Tag: Fantasy

  • The Customer Is Always Right

    The Customer Is Always Right

    It was the tourists that were the hardest to deal with.

    A stereotype for sure, and a cheap one at that. Yet it was a well-deserved cliché, and its subjects had embraced it wholeheartedly. Isabela Cristóbal liked to privately hand out scores in her head as she worked, watching foreigners wallpapered with sunscreen, tinto de verano on their lips and fingers stained a jaundiced yellow from paellas devoured in the pounding heat of an Almeria summer.

    The tiny chiringuito was packed to bursting day in and day out. Open all night, ever since the July holidays had sent the collective pasty hordes of Europe charging to the beaches of Spain. Now the streets of the forgotten towns abandoned by Mr. Marshall teemed with crimson lobster-people, their tread muffled by the abominable union of the sock and flip-flop. 

    Isabela was aware of the xenophobic dimension to her grudge against the children of Albion (yeah, she read a lot-what, a waitress can’t have an education?) but her fellow Europeans were fair game. It was the travellers treating the country like a Mary Poppins painting to be hopped in and out of without consequence, living by the creed that cash could make up for any amount of trashed nightclubs, vandalised streets and sleepless locals that drew her ire. The British and their American cousins came thick and fast, a farcical inversion of the fourteen-hundred-ninety-two-sailing-of the-ocean-blue, leaving crumbling sandcastles mosaiced with beer cans and wilted cigarettes where once North African fleets had brought mosques and palaces. 

    It should not have bothered Isabela as much as it did. Yet there was an inescapable bitterness that had festered in her, fanned by a day-to-day of smug customers barking out orders, of smarmy college students pinching at her backside and spewing grammatically mangled catcalls: cuerpo muy buena, mucho guapa, mucho sexy. Horndogs, minds warped by fantasies of commercialized Hollywood Latinas, seeing in Spanish Isabela the muted but still very much fuckable reflection of their Salma Hayeks (Mexican), Ana de Armas (Cuban) and Sofia Vergaras (Colombian).

    She had begged the restaurant manager, Arturo, to be allowed to wear something else other than the gauzy white shirts that were the standard uniform of the female waiting staff, but he had not budged. Isabela would have been willing to stomach the added heat if it meant respite from the trailing fingers of another pack of middle-aged, potbellied creeps, gazes perpetually trying to slip past the protective shield of Isabela’s notebook and down into her skirt. The ends of their orders punctuated by the inevitable flirtations, give us a kiss love, ‘camon, mucho sexy indeed.

    She hadn’t felt sexy in years. Hell, she would be prepared to say that she hadn’t felt human in years. Dashing across the restaurant every day even after the sunset bled its runny yolk over the sand, her feet spongy and cracked, the back of that ridiculous shirt peeling to her skin. Smiling, enduring the whinging complaints, the outraged squawks and casual harassment. A death by a thousand cuts administered with every neglected tip (‘I just don’t believe in that kind of thing’) and euro note tossed her way as if she was nothing but a cheap prostitute.

    Sheer spite kept her going, a perpetual motion machine of suppressed anger that refused to let the Universe have its way with her. So, she cried in the cool and saline dank of the supply closet, dabbing at her puffy eyes in the obsidian mirror of the paelleras. Isabela’s father had always said: ajo y agua, a joderse y a aguantarse and rent did not pay itself. So, like an automaton, she trundled herself out to laugh at the jokes that weren’t remotely funny, forced a blush at the sexual innuendos of speckly teens who thought that leaving a big tip meant she might go home with them, when’s your shift end bonita

    She would try to tell herself that, to a certain degree, her resentment was misguided. More sensible to direct her anger at the apathetic boss rather than the strangers just looking to spend their money for a month somewhere with cool waters and a sun that never quit.

    A friend of hers, Bea, had told her she should never ascribe intention to people’s actions. Maybe the snot-nosed kit throwing his plastic trucks at her head was working out a hidden family trauma. The sour-faced couple refusing to pay for their meal because it had arrived ten minutes late when the restaurant was at full capacity might be needing to save money. For all she knew the shrieking drunk who had demanded Isabela apologize to her in public (and Arturo that miserable son of a bitch had forced her to, because the lady’s table were spending upward of fifty euro on drinks alone) for ‘acting slutty in front of my boyfriend’ was actually deep down just angry because her dog had died or the Flying Purple People Eater had gobbled up her sister. 

    But if she so much as opened her mouth, if Arturo’s ears detected the quivering intake of breath that signalled the beginning of an opinion, his finger would jab at the slogan placed behind the counter of the chiringuito bar. The One True Commandment, a tablet adhered to in the service industry with more severity than any scribbles lugged down the rocks of Mount Sinai: THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT. This was no guideline, but a reality-altering spell able to reshape truth itself. Under its influence, it did not matter if the especially miserable individual Isabela had seen pluck one of his own hairs into the salmorejo had actually done it or not: he got his meal on the house, and Isabela got her pay docked and a reminder of how generous Arturo was for not firing her.

    Now it was almost midnight, and the restaurant had been mercifully emptied. Rows of tables crowded around Isabela like sheepdogs as she tidied up. At this time of day most of what was left to clean were drinks and cocktail glasses, the bitter slivers of alcohol curdling as tiny kernels of ice melted into slush. It was boring work, but it was oddly satisfying to see everything packed up and folded away. For a time at least. Isabela could not shake the feeling that this was but a temporary truce. That the cracked red plastic chairs with their Cruzcampo slogans and wrinkled tablecloths pinned to the tables by plastic clips merely lay dormant. Slumbering until they grew hungry again and opened their gaping maw in supplication for a greater sacrifice of time, energy, dignity….life.        

    Isabela leaned against the bar, breathing slowly. Today had been a pretty bad day alright. A troop of partygoers had decided to start their pre-game drinking session right when the restaurant was operating on a skeleton crew. One of the merry band had careered right into her, sending a riot of cocktails to shatter onto the floor and Isabela scrambling on her hands and knees to a backing track of idiotic howls of laughter and the inebriated customer’s mumbled words of encouragement (fuckin’ blind  bitch….whachwhereyagoing….fuck).  She fancied she would never be able to get rid of the echoes of derision that had cascaded over her as she scrabbled pathetically to tidy the mess.

    She was supposed to be minding the bar, but Arturo had left early and he could hang for all she cared. His insistence on keeping the place open was an idiotic idea and usually it was only the occasional drunk or insomniac who stumbled in for a midnight refresher. Plus, all the girls agreed that the place was just a bit creepy after the sun went down. Under the curtains of night, with no sounds save for the metronome screeches of cicadas, it was difficult not to imagine things emerging from the shadows, towards the light-house glow of the chiringuito sign. Alone, and always in the distance, the susurration of the ocean, a siren-song beckoning the lonely to sit on the wet sand and stare into those sheets of ink that had outlived them all. 

    When Isabela stared out at the sea she felt as if each crash of the waves was dragging a piece of her out with it. How tempting to think of nothing else, not of essay deadlines, feet cramps, back pains, minimum wage, bastard landlords, stinking hands and the jeers of tourists. How tempting to imagine that the sea could just wash out all the bad, the same feeling Isabela got when she rinsed leftover food into the sink. A girl could dream, right?

    She lit a cigarette, its tip a firefly wavering slightly in the sky. The night advanced, lashed ever onwards by the whips of the waves. She hugged herself just as a reminder that she had not disappeared yet. The lifeguard’s chair at the lip of the beach was a spindly nightmare, its towering, arachnid legs skittering over the sand. Isabela sighed and put out her cigarette, a funeral pyre to an overactive imagination.             

     “You shouldn’t smoke, even if we’re outside.”         

    Isabela didn’t scream, though her whole body seized up. She had realized there was a customer outside with her. Strange-she’d just finished cleaning up every table and there had been no-one sitting by the terraced seats.  As Isabela calmed down, she felt a distinctly sour twist in her stomach at the thought of the stranger watching her in silence, enjoying his private view. She turned slowly, not willing to give them the satisfaction of seeing her  rattled. 

    She could not help but feel a little underwhelmed.  The man was as unassuming a portrait of a tourist as there ever had been. He was sitting down, slouching in his chair, one arm hanging over its back like a discarded jumper. The other arm was a pendulum swinging lazily by his side. He was wearing a garish Hawaiian t-shirt, bedecked with brightly coloured palm-trees and riotous hibiscus flowers.

    “I appreciate the concern,” said Isabela. Usually, she’d be unable to avoid a hint of sarcasm into her voice, but the stranger’s demeanour was less a sleazy performance of cool and more the lazy routine of a housecat stretching out on a sunbeam.                    “They’re for the nerves,” she said, wiggling the cigarette and shrugging her shoulders in a life’s a bitch, but hey, what can you do about it? sort of gesture. The stranger blinked. Feeling a small, shameful warmth in her face, Isabela could not help fixating on his eyes. They were the sluggish, treacle hue of honey, a deep and soft amber, almost caramel in the dark.                

    “Are you nervous often?”                                                                                      

     Isabela shivered. His voice had a rumbling purr hiding behind its edges, crouching between stalks of yellow grass. It rolled over your skin and quiver inside your stomach. Nevertheless, Isabela couldn’t help but laugh.

    “That’s the understatement of the year sir.” 

    “There’s no need to call me sir.”                      

    “I can’t call you anything but sir if you don’t give me your name, sir.” Isabela’s lips were tugging slowly but insistently upwards into a smile. The newcomer was also grinning.

    “Names are important, young lady,” he said. “Not all have to walk around with them stapled to our chests.”      

    Isabela was momentarily taken aback at this-by her calculations the man looked to be only slightly older than she was. His face was coloured by the beginnings of a bronze tan, his cheeks pebble-dashed with pale freckles. Fine blond hair tumbled up to his shoulders like dunes cascading over the horizon. Isabela filed the young lady away for later. In any other circumstances this would have come across as unbearably patronizing but the matter-of-fact conviction behind the speaker’s words had been so casual that something made her hesitate. If anything, she was still trying to figure out why the way he spoke was so weird. Instead, she decided to keep the atmosphere light. 

    “On the run from the law, are we? I can’t recommend a place like this to hide though, but before the Guardia Civil comes to haul you away I will suggest the specials.”                                                                

    “I thank you for the discretion, Ms. Cristóbal, though I have no quarrel with the law. If it is a name you want, you may call me by my city of origin. They shape our identity as much as our parents or teachers do. Memphis will do quite nicely if you please.”                        

    Memphis. An American then, judging by his looks, but one who spoke very good Spanish.

    “Well then, Memphis, may I get you anything to eat, or drink? Our kitchen closes in half an hour.” 

    “Nothing for me, thank you.” He pulled a crisp twenty-euro bill from the pocket of his cream-coloured shorts and lay it flat on the table. “I’d rather you join me for a drink. My treat of course.” 

    “That’s very kind of you, but I’m still on duty.” 

    “Yes, the place is packed, I can see that,” noted Memphis dryly. “Just a couple of drinks, courtesy of a worn-out tourist with more money than he knows what to do with. It’ll do a wonder for those pesky nerves, and you look like you could use it more than I do.”       

    Isabela’s hand shot self-consciously up to her dishevelled hair. Suspicion was creeping into her like lead flowing down a thermometer. Was this guy trying to sleep with her? It wouldn’t be the first time.                                                                                                                       

    “With all due respect, Mr. Memphis”-                                                            

    “Just Memphis will do.”                                                                                                   

    “With all due respect, Memphis, I’m not interested in going home with any customers tonight. I have a boyfriend.” This last part was complete fiction, but it couldn’t hurt.                                 

    “Oh no, no, please, don’t assume my intentions are so low,” assured Memphis hurriedly. “I wouldn’t presume to attempt to take advantage of a fine young woman like yourself.”                     There it was again. She supposed Memphis was just trying to flatter her.                                                

    “So you’re treating me purely out of the kindness of your own heart?”                                                   

    “I would never have guessed that was so hard to believe.”

    “Not in this line of work. People want me to serve drinks, not sit down with them and join in for a quick chat.” 

    “There’s a first time for everything. Consider this then a rare olive branch between customer and host. No strings attached, on my honour. Just a well-earned reward for a hard-working young lady, a small thanks in a job so often thankless.” 

    Isabela shifted uncomfortably on the spot. It was something about Memphis’ manner of speech. It seemed to trail dust in the air like the spine of an antique book. His words never matched his boyish, collegiate features, and there was that smell the wind carried from him…. dry and hot, loaded with a coppery bite that made some long-forgotten ancestral gene think, incredibly, of blood. 

    “Look, this is extremely kind of you, but I really have to get back behind the bar, my boss sent me out here, like, fifteen minutes ago and he’ll be really upset if I spend my time gossiping with a customer”- 

    “Arturo Muñoz Tomás left early tonight, Isabela, and is currently in his apartment watching a football match on Canal Plus. He is drinking his way through his sixth beer of ten, which he waters down from his tap to save money. He will not make it to the end of the match. As is usual, he will instead call his friend Guzman del Pino to talk about scalping tickets to next week’s UD Almería game. Then, adhering to routine, he will smoke two cigarettes, shower and masturbate whilst imagining you in uniform fellating him in his office, a fetish picked up from the pornographic magazines sold at his local kiosk,” said Memphis, looking bored. “If you do not wish to talk to me, simply state your truth. Lies are of no use.” 

    When he moved the overhead lights flickered in his eyes. They were shining disks of gold. 

    “That-you can’t talk to me-this isn’t funny you know! If this is some kind of stupid game Arturo put you up to then till him that…that I’ll quit tomorrow if he keeps up this crap!” 

     “No, Isabela you will not. You cannot afford to quit, in as literal a sense as possible. As for Arturo, I have never met the man in my life. I simply know that he will do what he does because he does it every-day. The same way you watch telenovelas even though you feel you will be judged for enjoying them, use red bands in your hair to remind you of your friend Bea and still sleep with a stuffed elephant named Pedro. Your father gifted him to you when you visited the zoo in Madrid aged five.”  

    Isabela’s face had drained of colour, stiff and pale as a used napkin. Jesus Christ, she had run into a psycho, a stalker, some kind of freak who’d followed every aspect of her life and tracked her down to where she worked, why wasn’t she screaming. It was like trying to call for help in a dream. She should be screaming

    “The truth is not something you can hide. Candour is a virtue all humans should aspire to. The ability to cut through deceit, that is the skill of heroes. It is something I have long taken an interest in: to find those worthy of favour is to find those able to penetrate to the centre of truth. I think you may be worthy.”   

    Isabela nodded mechanically. There was no one in sight. The cooks would be packing up by now and leaving through the back door. She was, for all intents and purposes, alone with a deranged lunatic. She settled on going with the flow of his ramblings-if she humoured him for long enough, she might be able to think of a way to escape. 

    “I think you’ve got the wrong person, sir, I’m not worthy of anything,” croaked Isabela. 

    Memphis tutted, shaking his mane (oh my god, that was what it was like, a bedraggled old lion shaking itself awake in the African sun, just like that) and narrowing his eyes.  

    “Don’t give me that,” he said. “You have shouldered every petty humiliation ever thrust your way, you have clung to your convictions and your dreams in a world that thinks such things can be changed on a whim by euro bills or foreign exchange dollars. If that is not worth, then I could not tell you what is.”                                                                                         

    “This is a gameshow, right? One of those hidden camera ones, ahahaha, right, I see, I’ve won some sort of prize, the hard-working waitress gets a big windfall, great for views.” 

    “No, Isabela. A game-perhaps, in a sense-but you have not won anything. Not yet. You are at a crossroads in the journey of your life, and the straightforward pathway has been lost. Now a beast bars your way, and you must find how to continue. It is an old story, you are a smart girl, you will know of it. A predator awaits the side of the road; it waits for everyone at some point in their life. Life is dangerous. Life will question you, menace you, challenge you, but can you see through the fog of lies? 

    Can your knowledge tame the wild beast, or will end as a helpless victim? I do not ask this lightly.” 

    Thin tears were burning down Isabela’s cheeks. A single thought blared a hurricane siren behind her skull: this man was threatening to kill her. 

    Isabela leaned one hand on the table. The alternative was collapsing, because he was right, she did know this story, pretty much everyone did. That Ancient Greek yarn about the soon-to-be incestuous king. Waiting by the entrance to the gilded city of his birth, the human-feline monstrosity. The invincible guardian who, indeed, sought truth above all things, the truth to a question that had endured long since the myth had crumbled into dust and the ruined king had marched, blind and bloody eyed into the wilderness.  

    “Well then,” said the man who came from Memphis, not that city of Graceland memorials, but a city half-forgotten. Buried under the sands of a kingdom held aloft by the plundered husks of tombs built for men who were Gods. A country overseen by a four-legged protector, noble even with the scars of time’s rhinotomy ravaging its face.

     “I think we shall begin,” he declared promptly.  

    “But…why?” rasped Isabela incredulously. “Why here? Why me?” she added hurriedly.  

    “Because I like this place. It reminds me of a home I had, one lost under a wave of Coptic converts, Macedonian conquests and Jesuit missions. I …enjoy this country. It is full of dying legends, much like me. I hope to test people like you, to see if they can finally kill these legends. Do not forget, Isabela, my roots: I am a guardian first and foremost, long before I was a bandit waiting to assault the unwary as they went along the path of their lives. Yet only those able to survive the ambush may claim my protection. A hard truth, I know, one for savages and wild animals, but have you never wished for bright claws and fangs to fend off the jackals that scavenge from you every day?”  

     “Yes…but…there has to be another way. There’s always another way.”     

     “No.” Memphis smiled. Except he wasn’t smiling. He was showing her his teeth, brilliant white rows that tapered to fangs in the darkness of his mouth. He had not blinked once, his body leaning forward, hands prowling across the table. Isabela’s stomach turned. She controlled her breathing, her eyes never wavering from the pale suns in Memphis’ skull. He was no different from all the others, just more dangerous. Another predator slinking over the dunes, half-mad with hunger, starved of its worship, denied its attention.  

    “You bastard,” whispered Isabela. Memphis shrugged, a picture-perfect mirror of her earlier apathy. Life’s a bitch, but hey, what can you do about it? 

    “I am a monster, young lady. My cruelty is a kindness. You have already been forged in the fires of this summer, now it is time to see if your blade will hold firm under the hammer and the anvil. A quick lesson in etymology first,” said Memphis. For all of his talk of finding righteous, worthy heroes, he was having fun. Like a kitten tossing a mouse in the air before it rips its head off, except she could not let her guard down, because the real big cats always lunged straight for the throat.                                                     

     “My name, my real name, derives from sphíngō. It’s Ancient Greek, it means ‘to tighten’ or ‘to constrict.’ One only gets the most juice from fruit by squeezing them dry, Isabela, coals form diamonds only when crushed by the weight of the underworld itself. Will you become a diamond, young lady, or let yourself be shattered?”                                                           

     “This isn’t right”-  

     “The customer is always right,” snapped Memphis, his words tailing off in a throaty snarl that Isabela felt in her spine. 

      “That’s just a word on a sign, it doesn’t mean anything,” said Isabela, her rage carrying her into the realm of suicidal bravery. “It’s…bullies like you who give it power, it’s not true.” 

     “Then show me, show me how you can come to the truth,” said Memphis. 

    “I don’t need to prove anything to you.” 

    “Prove it to yourself then. Slay the monster, defeat the beast, dispel the darkness, that is what heroes do, is it not? Hear the riddle, solve it, wash your hands of it, but know you can only live if you truly grasp what it means.” 

    Isabela made a fist to stop her hands from shaking. If Memphis was speaking truthfully (and he was, that was the whole point) what choice did she have? To run? Impossible, that wasn’t an option, because it was precisely when you turned your back on the world that the animals pounced and held you down until you bled out. Because you had submitted and for them to submit meant you deserved to die. What she deserved…. what she deserved was to be able to binge Betty la Fea, finish her essay on Cela, go nightclubbing with her friends next weekend, maybe get laid, pet a dog on the street, buy a Coke by the beach, swim in it, sunbathe, do her hair properly. All of this stretched in front of her until it was a thin, pebbled road. Lying on it, licking its reddish fur, a thin, starved lion with golden eyes and sandy hair.  

    “All right then,” she said. “Go ahead.” 

    Memphis nodded curtly, interlacing his fingers. He intoned the riddle without decoration, a teacher reciting a problem as he set it out on the blackboard. 

    “Which creature has one voice and yet becomes four-footed in the morning, two-footed in the evening and three-footed at night?” 

    Isabela’s first impulse was to laugh. There was no way that it was easy as this: the sphinx had recited the most famous riddle in all of history! Even kids knew the answer to it. Isabela hesitated for a second, coughing to clear her dry throat. She was waiting for the twist.  

    Yet the creature only looked at her, waiting patiently. As she dithered, Isabela realized there was no trick. This was an ancient creature, a being bound by conventions so old most people had forgotten why they continued them in the first place. It was a thing that sought truth above all things, to the point of pontificating its importance to a tired waitress in the dead of night as seriously as if it had been talking to a titan of legend. Isabela chuckled madly. 

    “Well, uh. Man. That’s the answer, right? It’s man. We crawl on all fours when we’re babies, walk on two legs when we grow up and then use a cane when we’re old and tired. Everyone knows that one….”   

     She stopped as she saw that Memphis was nodding slowly. He sighed deeply, like a lover reaching for a cigarette in bed.                                                 

    “Very good. Now tell me what it means.” 

    “I-I don’t understand, I just did”- 

     “No. You described it to me, gave me the answer. Now tell me what it means. Why this, of all riddles? Why not question you of that which has a bed that never sleeps, or a horse named Friday? Why after centuries, no, millennia, do my kind always fall back to answering that famous question, and why, even after guessing it correctly, are still so many deemed unworthy?” 

     “Well, it’s just a gimmick, right? It’s phrased in a way that is meant to mislead you, designed to make you think of something else. Like a prank.”  

     “Incorrect, Isabela. You have two more guesses,” said Memphis calmly. Isabela gasped.  

    “Hey, hold on, that’s not fair, I told you the answer”-    

    “Indeed, now tell me what it means,” repeated Memphis.   

    “It, well, the riddle is about human life, right? It’s about the different stages of growing up, split into a trio-the three different times of day.”   

    “Good. Continue.” 

    Isabela fiddled nervously with the hem of her skirt, trying to think ahead and convince herself that the way Memphis’ fingernails seemed to be blurring into points was just her imagination. 

    “Three different times of day…it all happens in one day. It’s gradual but it all ends by the time night falls, like a mayfly or a bug. Twenty-four hours. Because…because…in the grand scheme of things, to something like, well, you that lives forever, that’s all we get. A day if we’re lucky. Hell, a few minutes if we’re not. By the time that sunrise starts to darken we’ve already forgotten what it was like to crawl.

    We blink and, damn, all we can remember is using a stick, or even having four legs again but with wheels and electric engines this time. But…but there’s not another morning. Not for us anyway. The riddle doesn’t start again, the sphinx…leaves.”

    Isabela met Memphis’ gaze.

    “It leaves because the way ahead on the road is free now and why bother? It’s going to end somewhere, Thebes or whatever, but the road’s going to finish and there’s no point in the monster coming back. The creature gets to three-legs, and the riddle stops, because the answer was a human life, and…that’s it. You worked so hard to figure out the solution that by the time you got it, all that was left was walking the few miles to the final destination

    The End. El Fin.” 

    Isabela’s tears splattered dully by her feet, but they didn’t sting like before. Instead, she saw Memphis through a clear film. It was only then she properly noticed that he was, indeed, a lot older than she had given him credit for. The freckles on his cheeks mingled with spotted brown bruises, and his tawny hair was flecked at the edges with dirty grey. Isabela wiped her face and realized she’d been too quick to assume he lived forever. Thousands of years, certainly, but…maybe not eternity. And she wondered about what he had said earlier, about finding someone who could  let legends die. Maybe all the beast had been looking for was someone who could reassure it, like a mother reminding her son that she loves him before tucking him into bed and turning off the lights.  

    Memphis had gotten up from the table, brushing himself down with the dignity of a prince. “There,” he said softly. “That wasn’t so hard, was it? “He folded the twenty-euro bill and slid it towards Isabela, adding an ample stack of bills to it. Isabela could not help but gawk: they were all five-hundreds. Memphis waved away her incredulous spluttering.    

    “It’s not the usual treasure trove or magic sword we beasties usually relinquish, but take it, young lady. All over in one day, my dear. It may not seem like it now, but it will. Walk down your road knowing the truth, unafraid of lions and the wolves. They don’t matter. By the time the sun sets, nothing will. A word to the wise, from an old fairy-tale like me: don’t waste your mayfly days in a place like this. It may be open all night, but you most certainly are not. There is a life outside of these walls and you have two legs still; walk on them far and wide, and lean on your third when you can walk no more.”              

    “Where are you going now?” asked Isabela softly.  

     “Who knows? Perhaps it is time for me to solve a riddle of my own,” grinned the sphinx. “Do not despair, you will have your reward. Name it, and it is yours. I can kill those who mocked you, stalk and slaughter the ones that trod on you, make it so that they never arrive to any truth at all,” said Memphis. “I started life as a protector, remember. Speak the word, and I will do so.” 

    Isabela blanched. It wasn’t just that the creature’s proposal was shocking. What had truly shaken her was how quickly she had considered saying yes. She could visualize Arturo and his disgusting fantasies, pulped beneath the paws of the monster, was tempted at the prospect of her daily tormentors being savaged in one fell swoop. Yet how long before more came along? She could not mindlessly crush her problems underfoot, hoping they would go away.  

    With a twist of shame, she realized how quickly she’d forgotten every kind word, every curious question, compliment, generous tip and joke she’d ever received: they were fewer yes, but they were still there. What kind of world would she be willing to accept, if every grievance was paid back a hundredfold in a blizzard of gore? A life condemned to hunkering by the roadside, lying in wait, transformed into just one more reflection of the brutes that knew no other form of sustenance than to gorge themselves on suffering. Isabela laughed weakly, shaking her head.

    “Sorry, I don’t think I can accept that. You said that long ago you were a protector. You should be one, not an attack-dog. That’s all I ask. Something to keep me safe is all. No need to hurt anybody.”    

    Memphis nodded, tugging at one of his locks of hair, which came off. He placed the warm golden curl into Isabela’s palm, patting her hand gently.  

     “Wear it on your person, and you will not come to any harm. It will bring luck to you and…misfortune on those with ill intent. An eye for an eye, yes? I couldn’t deliver on those drinks in the end but consider this a just reward from a dusty myth,” He winked, a circle of shimmering gold.      

     “Congratulations, Ms. Cristóbal. You have defeated the legend. You have arrived at the truth. Do not let it go to waste.” 

    Isabela clutched the hair close to her heart. It smelled earthy and hot, like a cinder heap after a bonfire. She gave the sphinx a curt nod, who tipped an imaginary hat in her direction, wandering out of the hazy electric light and into the night, towards the expanse of the beach. The darkness rushed over him and the sands stirred in a gust of wind, leaving behind the copper tang of blood and the sweat-laced traces of musk.  

    —                                   

    The very next day, Isabela used the sphinx’s money to pay two months of rent in advance and stored the rest for later. She had already called the girls, promising (in a streak of unusual generosity) that drinks tonight would be on her. 

    Shampooed and clean, her face pink after a long bath, she lay back on the couch, reaching for the remote, fiddling with golden curl of hair as she did. They had been given the day off work. Plus, Isabela had a feeling she wouldn’t be marked down for a late-night shift for quite some time. 

     Arturo had called from the local hospital early that morning, his voice strained and high over the phone. He’d taken a tumble in the shower after slipping on a bar of soap, where he had broken a leg, as well as split his groin. 

  • Safer In The Tomb

    Safer In The Tomb

    ‘And if I have not changed that goes to prove

    That I am monstrous’

    -W.B. Yeats.

    The child is barely old enough to remember his own name when the dog attacks. Chained outside the smithy, the creature has strained all day against the iron that chokes the breath from between its blackened teeth. The hammer of its caretaker, Chulainn, personal blacksmith to King Conchobar, screams against the anvil. The shrieking clang whips the mongrel into a frenzy. Soon, it knows, it will be let loose to prowl through the night to hunt any intruders who have slipped behind the village walls. Yet the creature is impatient, driven mad by the leaden rhythm of the forge. Drool pools from between dark lips pulled tight over jagged fangs.

    Its bindings have weakened. The brute can understand this. Quivering snout, tarred with snot and rabid ooze smells…. something, small, young… approaching. The chain shatters. The dog barrels forward, rushing, gasping, leaping through the shadows, and the child is there. Something is wrong. The animal realizes it before its leap has been completed. Its haunches lock in an instant of sudden, instinctive terror. Other shapes are bursting from the dark, larger ones, yelling in shock.  A small hand grabs the dog by a tattered ear. A whine turns into a splatter, turns into a thud, and the shape of the beast goes limp, becomes a thing of dripping meat.

    The men of the village of Emain Macha shrink back in horror. The child, breathing heavily, watches bits of the animal’s skull fall from his fingers like sea-shell shards. A buzz of whispers. The beast is dead. The beast that kept Ulster safe from wolves, bears and roaming brigands, the terror of Ireland that kept our enemies at bay, is done for.That monster-child again. Always destroying. Always stained in blood. The dog’s handler emerges from the smithy, wailing at the ruined corpse. His hammer is a dark mushroom in his fist as he whirls on the child, the strange thing, half-mortal, faery touched.

    The wyrd boy with the horrible eyes.     

    What will keep us safe in our beds now? The men take up his cries. What will guard us from the dooms of Ireland?                                 

    The child, still quivering with fear, replies as only a boy would.. Desperate to stop the angry hisses, the snarls of disgust. The child gives up the name he can barely scratch out on a piece of slate. Please. I will guard us. I will take the creature’s place. I can make it better; I can be a better attack-dog than he ever was. I will be Cú Chulainn, the dog of the smith. Please.                                            

    This he swears. This is his oath. This is his curse.                                       

    I shall be the Hound of Ulster. 

    The mist was cold silk trailing low against the grass as the chariot drew to a halt on a sloping hillock. It rattled gently when it stopped. A thicket of spears bristled from its sides, fitting plumage for the war-cart of King Conchobar’s fiercest warrior: Cú Chulainn, he who was born of mortal, God and faery. Mightiest champion of the Emerald Isle, first and only son of Lugh the flame-clad god of battle. Stood at the reins, the familiar seat of his boyhood service to the hero, was Láeg, master of horses. He slowed the beasts down with a flick of his wrists.   In the pale glow of dawn hot breath steamed from between the horse’s tombstone teeth. The first horse bent his neck and began to graze. His companion followed suit. Now there was no sound across the plains, save for the champing of teeth tearing jade hairs from the back of the rain-fat earth.                                                       

    Láeg dismounted from the chariot. The raven-feather mantle of his jerkin bristled with the sweat of the early morning. The lad, his cheeks still downy with fluff, fussed over the stallions as they ate, whispering in their twitching ears and tracing the bony ridge of their snouts. He had been given to Cú Chulainn by Conchobar as a reward, years ago, a gangly brat who had only ever heard the stories of how the demigod had butchered the invading hordes of their war-ready neighbours of Connacht, polluting the river crossing of Ulster with the slain.  Give a dog his bone, the King had joked. If Láeg resented his role as a tool, he did not show it. Flitting between the beasts, he was limber and loose in a way he had never been whilst surrounded by the rough and lusty bannermen of Ulster.       

     At the back of the chariot, his master gazed at the boy through rainbow eyes.

    It was the first thing that struck any mortal when they met Cú Chulainn. Not the red gold of his mane, curling like the hidden heart of a hearth’s flame, or his beardless chin which refused to sprout hair, though he was no longer a young boy. Not his size, which dwarfed even the most strapping Ulsterman, or his curious way of moving, as if calculating how to leave a hair’s width of space between himself and the world. 

    No, it was those eyes, that shimmered with the jewelled hues of a river’s spray touched by a bough of sunlight. The half-moon stare of a wildcat that had traced the end, in the gloom of midnight, of so many of the would-be-heroes of Connacht. Mortals could not boast such diamonds to stud their heads. Grown warriors, hardened by axe-blade and spear-tip into chips of flint, feared to meet them. Even under the covenant of a meal of bread and salt, the most hallowed oath of all. They would mumble into their beards, flinch if he stood up too quickly, burn their tongues in their eagerness to be done. Their daughters would turn their backs to him when they made love. He could sense them trembling involuntarily as he went to cup their waists, had felt a rabbit shake like this as it waited for its neck to be broken. These days his hands seldom strayed from his person.                                      

    Now Cú Chulainn looked across the plains. Faint blotches were starting to deepen under his eyelids. It may have been a trick of the light, but his frame seemed to sag momentarily, before he righted himself. He turned his head upwards, studying the sky.     

     A lone raven was flying in circles overhead. The raven croaked its curses to the heavens and perched on a rock. There was a red strip of meat in its mouth. It matched his stare, jerking its head to the side. Come and see. His fists clenched on the sides of the war-cart. When he withdrew them, the imprints of his fingers had dented the bronze edges. 

    The chariot rocked slightly as Cú Chulainn stepped off. Láeg did not look up from his horses. He had accompanied his master too many times to bother questioning him. To stray from the war-cart would be to spit in the face of a bond written in bloodied axles and the cracked skulls of men ran under the hooves of a demi-god’s steeds. Before he left him, Cú Chulainn planted a kiss on the youth’s brow. When he touched his shoulder, the pads of his fingers barely brushed against the flesh. Láeg did not freeze as the hero’s hand settled over the bone. The kiss burned quietly against his freckled skin. No other words needed to be spoken. If they had, it would not have meant anything. 

    Cú Chulainn turned away quicker than expected. His head kept moving to where the bird was waiting. The raven beat its wings, scattering feathers. The demigod glanced over Láeg’s shoulder. He had been doing so, at brief intervals, the entire journey. The bird hooted its impatience. Cú Chulainn sighed, straightened himself to his full height, and began to walk.

    Absentmindedly shooing the damp muzzle of a horse away, Láeg watched Cú Chulainn as he moved across the plain. His quicksilver stride carried him across the slippery dirt with inhuman speed, so that he seemed to be skating on the mist. His red cloak fluttered at his heels, following the trail left by the spectre of the sunset. Then the fog swallowed him for good. 

    Cú Chulainn crested another hillock and came upon what he had expected to see. At least, something of the kind.                                   

     All around him were the spider-web walls of haze, a cushion pressed over the mouth of the world. Had he been here before? The day that his fever broke, as they tended to his wounds after the battle with Connacht, he had stopped by in a place like this, lingered, and left. The fog flickered with traces of warmth, orange brushstrokes against pearl.

    Cú Chulainn wrapped the cloak around himself tighter. Was the fog streaming from his ears, pulled out of his head? Druids could craft such a trance. For a moment, he heard the far-off sound of the sea. He frowned, concentrating. His eyes shimmered. There were shapes in the mist. Ah. Yes, of course. Her. The smoke parted.                                             

    A campfire was crackling merrily in a ring of stones, burping embers as kindling snapped and popped. Next to it, a beautiful brown heifer, speckled white and with inky, mournful eyes, was chewing at its curd. Three teats swung near the grass as she fed. There was a stool by the campfire and a pail of water and an old woman whistling to herself through puckered lips as she washed pieces of armour. It was armour Cú Chulainn recognized well, for it was his own.                                                                                                        

     A muscle rippled in his neck as his jaw clenched. An old set from his boyhood that he had outgrown. He did not think he would have ever seen it again. Not since they had sliced him out of the mail and leather glued onto him with the crust of his injuries after the victory over Connacht.                                                                                                  

    The grandmother looked up at him as he approached. Her withered face peeled open into a grin. Her sleeves were rolled back, revealing arms lined like rocks after a century of winds. There was a smell about her that Cú Chulainn remembered from the bones in a box he had been told was his mother. The tips of her fingers were bronze where they rubbed at the bloody streaks that crossed his leather jerkin. Gray, ashy locks fell across the grandmother’s brow, black beads of lice crawling across the thinning parchment of her scalp.                                  

     She had begun to sing a song he knew from the nursemaids in the village of Emain Macha. The lullaby was interrupted when Cú Chulainn spoke. He did not raise his voice. It cut through the surrounding sounds, humming with the crystal pitch of a wet finger drawn across the rim of a drinking glass.                                            

    ‘Greetings, seanmháthair.’ Even though he had used the proper form of address for the aged stranger, he kept his hands on the hilt of his sword. The crone looked up from her work again, feigned surprise, and bowed her head deferentially. 

     ‘Ho there, young ‘on, beardless boy, scarlet-clad hero,’ cawed the old woman.

    Overhead, the raven screeched. It was hard to tell which voice belonged to who.

     ‘Strange day to polish armour,’ noted Cú Chulainn. The crone shrugged. 

     ‘No stranger day than any other, lad. The right day, awk, many might say, had they the imbas forosnai, the trance of all-seeing and truth-telling,’ she remarked.

    Cú Chulainn clicked his tongue.

     ‘So then, old mother, you are cursed with the poet’s gift?’ he asked. ‘Yet you waste it, washing the garb of the fiercest of the Gaels, though no blade has opened him since he was a lad.’ The old woman wrung her hands, spraying the fire with droplets of water. They hissed where they touched the flame, filling the air with the stink of charnel.                                                                                              

    ‘Whether I clean or not, it makes no difference to a gore-painted pup,’ she rasped. ‘Were you to remove your cloak and stand before me like the day you were born, you would still be bloodied.’ The raven landed on the back of the cow. It ruffled its feathers and picked a strip of skin from the heifer’s spine. Cú Chulainn’s eyes narrowed, but he was smiling wanly, the grin of a man who finds himself accompanied by someone who, though not a friend, is at least a familiar face.

     ‘And you would still dabble in riddles. Speak true. Is it one of the shapes of the Mistress of Fate and Death that stands before me?’                                                    

     The old woman’s laugh was toothless. When next her eyes met Cú Chulainn’s, they were the dark purple of ruined king’s shrouds. A more fitting look for the Phantom Queen, the Goddess of Destiny and Despair that had shadowed Cú Chulainn with black-feather footsteps ever since he toddled from the cradle.                      

    ‘Right, you is, young ‘on,’ she purred. Cú Chulainn stood his ground, even as he felt something stalking up to him from behind, creeping with vulpine patience. He dug his heels into the soft clay of the land. He did not break eye contact, even when he could have sworn that hooked hands were starting to tug at his cloak. Chulainn let go of the sword. There was a proper way of doing these things. Besides, this was not the first time he had encountered the Goddess, though when they had initially met her chosen form had been far more welcoming. He cleared his throat.

     ‘Then I name you the Morrígan, Great Queen of our Gods, the Tuatha Dé Dannan. Shadow of the Emerald Island, rider of dark clouds. I name you Raven of the Slaughter-Field, maiden, mother and crone, she-who-is-three,’ intoned Cú Chulainn. The crone nodded.

    ‘Awk, then I name you Cú Chulainn, he who renounced his human name, thrice-born son of Lugh. I name you the Distorted One, dread wielder of the Gáe Bolga, battle-dog of the Ulstermen,’ replied the Morrígan.

    The feeling, heavy and thick that had permeated the air as they spoke, leeching out of the fog, vanished suddenly. Once the Oldest Game, the naming of things, had been completed, both parties could rest easy. To be named was no trivial detail. It was to be seen, confirmed, distilled and understood. Cú Chulainn brushed his cloak further over his shoulder and sat down opposite the campfire. There was something of the princely swagger of his heyday in the squaring of his jaw, yet as he shifted the scarlet cape it spoke of a gesture grown more practiced than passionate.    

                                                                                         

                                 

     A pot was bubbling over the flames, lumps of grey meat stewing in broth. The Morrígan left the pail of water, letting the armour soak. With shaking hands, she grasped the pot, though if she felt the pain of the searing hot metal against her naked flesh, she did not show it. She spooned out the meat into two earthen bowls, sprinkling the meal with a dash of salt. Cú Chulainn watched her as she worked. There were rules to this sort of thing. Forces greater than either of them were quick to hurl calamity onto the heads of those rash enough to dishonour the rules of hospitality.                                                       

    ‘Eat up, eat up, you have grown thin since last I saw you. Have a little more, laddie, just a bit,’ she fussed, funnelling more food from her bowl into his, gesturing for him to take it. He accepted, but did not eat. Even without trying, he moved so quickly that the bowl was in his hands before the Morrigan’s fingers had even finished opening. She gave no reaction.

     ‘Surely child, you knew it was I when you saw me,’ rattled the Morrígan.  

    Cú Chulainn nodded. ‘I guessed as much when I saw the raven.’  

    ‘Yet still you decided to play, like a wee ‘on, at guessing games?’

    ‘It has been a long time since we did, Great Queen. Not since you came to me in a different guise, the day I began the struggle against the Connacht men. Maybe I missed your tricks.’                    

    The Morrígan cackled and spat into the fire. ‘A right devil you were, young pup.’ One crooked finger tapped at the yellow flesh under her eye. ‘It still smarts sometimes, from where you tore it out.’ She spoke of her mutilation as one would recount finding a hole in their boot. ‘Awk, mouths should not flap, they should feast, come, eat.’

      Cú Chulainn smiled thinly. The Morrígan gestured with her steaming bowl, breaking crumbly bread for the two of them as she did. Cú Chulainn inspected the stew closely, raising a spoon with a glob of meat before his rainbow eyes.

     ‘The smell is odd,’ he muttered. ‘You would regret it if poison had found its way into my bowl. The Gods have a way of settling debts with oath-breakers. Even one of their own.’

    His voice was low but throbbed with the memory of broken ribs and gouged out eyes. The Morrígan was watching him, her violet pupils’ pinpricks in her sunken face.

     ‘Fret not, It is a meat that suits you well, Distorted One. What more fitting a meal thana real hound, served to the war-dog of Ulster?’                                                           

     Cú Chulainn set the bowl down by his feet with a dull thud. His other hand drifted as if pulled along by a mind of its own to the weapon strapped to his back. At first glance it seemed an ordinary spear, its shaft polished ash, handle a ghostly ivory. Yet there was something deeply wrong about its head. Serrated edges bit ravenously at the air, and when they caught the sunlight, they darkened it, gangrene blossoming putrid tendrils from a wound.

    Cú Chulainn’s fingers hovered over it, but his back had stiffened. His hands trembled as they neared the wood, as if they were loath to touch it. The Gáe Bolga, cursed weapon passed down by the warrior-woman Scáthatch to her worthiest pupil after a year of training. Wielded by Cú Chulainn, the nightmarish thing had accrued such infamy that Conchobar would urge the warrior to hide the spear whenever emissaries visited court. More than one messenger had fled Emain Macha when they caught sight of the weapon, driven out of their wits by the legend of its carnage.

     ‘Oh?’ clucked the Morrígan, her mouth the gummy maw of a snake. ‘You would strike me down, puppy?’

     ‘You know why, Great Queen. The enchantment I was born with, the fae-charm that grants me victory in battle, forbids me to eat dog-flesh. Why now, of all times, would you have me break the geas that binds me? Revenge? The battlefield where first we met has long passed. I did not think the gods held such grudges.’ His hand had not moved from the spear.

     ‘Bah, nothing so petty,’ said the Morrígan primly. ‘I bear you no hatred child. Even as a son of Lugh, your life is a snowflake in spring to the likes of the Tuatha Dé Dannan. Your geas needs be broken because that is what your fortune commands. Fate has decreed it so. I am merely she who ensures destiny has its due. Put up your blade and your spear, wee’on.

    Would you skewer the rain for falling, or the moon for rising in the night? It is the way things should be, and thus will be. You have known this since it was foretold to you by Cathbad the druid, that day you took the arms of Conchobar.’

     Cú Chulainn sat back, letting his arm fall. Cathbad, that little old man with the watery eyes and dusty grey beard, a playground for spiders. He had always adored children, yes, even Cú Chulainn, who at six years had been deadlier than a man fully grown. Oh, and how he had loved telling stories, shrouded in the fog of his hut, spinning yarns to the gawping brats that crowded around his lap. Stories of the faery Sidhe, the wee folk. Stories of travellers that sailed over the rim of the world, a stone with a hole that gave you second-sight and a fish whose flesh granted all-knowing, and a story that prophesized that he who could bear arms as a child would become the mightiest of the Gaels.                              

     Well, why wouldn’t he have tried it, then and there? Who could have blamed him for dashing off to find weapons, instead of waiting, shifting his feet impatiently, for the old goat to finish his tale? Sat across from the Morrígan, as he stared at his calloused palms, he could hear the wood splintering and the metal bend. How bronze shattered and bows split as the hands of Cú Chulainn the boy mangled them. No common weapons had sufficed for the son of Lugh, none save the ivory-hilted blade of his King, Conchobar.  

     When he had lifted it above his head, his smile had sparkled with the light of boyhood deeds and story-book promises. 

     He should have stayed and let the druid finish the story. He had left before Cathbad revealed that, though the wielder of arms would be immortal throughout song and legend, his body would soon lie cold in the dirt, cut down before old age by the caprice of destiny. The kindly little man had wept into his beard when they told him of Cú Chulainn’s impatience. He had sat down to explain his doom, hugging him, actually touching him, oh lad, oh you poor, sweet child. Later that night, alone where no one could see him, for the first time in his life clear rain had fallen from those rainbow eyes, soft and silent. They had not fallen ever since, no matter how thick they welled in his throat.                                                  

     War-dogs do not weep. The Great Queen’s words had found their mark. He had guessed her purpose once he saw the foul, black bird, just as he had known her identity. Now he was certain. What had she said, when first he crossed path with the Mistress of Ravens?           

    ‘It is at the guarding of thy death that I am; and I shall be,’ said the Morrígan across from him, and now her words were doubled by the echo of a much younger woman. 

    Cú Chulainn picked the bowl up again.

    ‘You have broken bread and salt over this meal, Morrígan,’ he noted. ‘I have no choice. I must eat: the covenant of a shared hearth gone unhonoured will doom me far more than the breaking of a geas would.’ He took up the spoon. ‘Subtle. You have outdone yourself.’ Cú Chulainn felt no malice towards the wizened hag squatting on her stool. They had fought, and more, in the past. It had been a game he had accepted his part in the moment he took up arms. He would not throw over the board and sulk in the corner with his toys when he lost. The hot meat rested comfortably in his stomach. When he had finished his meal, he felt the geas withdraw, an oily sheen peeled slowly from the skin. His death was lurking in the edges of the fog, watching him. Come a little closer.

     Cú Chulainn looked at his hand. Was it shaking? Maybe for a second. He wondered if the mist was dulling his fear. He caught his reflection in the pail of mirrored water. The raven fluttered into it. He saw his face dissolve and was relieved to no longer have those multihued eyes staring back him. Oh. Was that how people felt? He breathed out slowly.

     ‘So, what will happen now?’ he asked the Morrígan. He knew she already had the answer but did not care.

     ‘You are pursued by Prince Lugaid, son of Cú Roí, King of Munster. The hound has become the hunted, harried across the fields of Ireland. His executioner burns with the fire of an avenging son and brings a great war-host behind his chariot, thick as salmon in the stream.’                                                                                                                        

    ‘I know. I have managed to stay ahead, this far. Each day he gains more ground. It is…unsurprising. Ever since I struck his father’s head from his shoulders, I imagined that this day would come.’

     ‘How noble, hound. I thought you only savaged those your masters loosed you upon,’ giggled the Morrígan. Another voice, high, playful, and devoid of the creak of old age was bubbling out of the hag.                                                                                   

    ‘This was…different. There was a woman. The daughter of another king. Bláthnat.’ Her name sounded wrong on his lips, as if he should have asked permission to dare speak it aloud.                             

    ‘The great Cú Chulainn, brough low by a woman,’ laughed the Morrígan. Something that could have been a flicker in the air, and now where a hunchbacked hag had sat, there was a young lady, the Phantom Queen’s maiden form. She wore a dress of many colours that scattered, swift as fish, into one another. Her black hair tumbled, spilled ink, across her collarbones. The liver-spotted skin had become smooth, the scrawny purple eyes swapped out for polished amethysts.                                                                                                

    ‘You should have eyes only for me. I have known you longer than any of those doe-eyed tarts,’ she pouted with ill-concealed jealousy.                           

    ‘This was no mere woman,’ muttered Cú Chulainn. The worst truth of all was that he had loved her. At least, he thought it was love. A secret affair, unspooling during the princess’s visit to Emain Macha, not the romance of husbands and wives holding each other in the village square and counting herds of clouds in the sky. Love. Cú Chulainn was not sure that he could speak of such a thing, but it had been different…. had it not? She would let him pick her up, effortlessly, giggle as he whirled her around. She had braided flowers into his hair and kissed him with an open mouth, where others pursed their lips as if fearing that their tongues would be devoured. Yes. She had given herself to him in the way only a young girl who knows a man will someday ruin her can.       

     The Morrígan’s change had not shocked him. He knew what was coming, from his youth. Yet still he stiffened as she threw her arms around him. Soft lips grazed his ear. Her hair smelt of hills in the morning, lilacs and the fresh sweat of sex. The hem of her dress had fallen to reveal the curve of a thigh. It made Cú Chulainn remember the wet grass clinging to her naked flesh the day Connacht attacked, as she cleaned herself with a wet cloth and he walked his fingers down the length of her spine. Her, the Goddess of despair, death and carnage, him, the bringer of ruin. It made sense that she had sought him out: what human lover could satisfy the Queen’s divine whims? Ingrate. He should have been grateful for her warmth. 

    The Morrígan was running her fingers through his hair, white bone dipped in red gold. ‘No mere woman,’ she laughed. ‘I would not have taken you for a romantic. Where were all these pretty words when Fate clamped her legs around that fiery head?’

      Cú Chulainn gasped raggedly. He wanted to squeeze her, constrict, press, thrust, choke. That sugary scent, ground-up flowers, too much, gagging, the sickly-sweet fragrance of spoiled meat, hello old friend, corpses. Nothing like Bláthnat winding her arms around his waist, letting her head rest in the hollow of his shoulder. Around him, the smell of the sea, spraying, jets of blood, warm foam, salt. Tears. He pushed the Morrígan off him roughly, leaving her sprawled on the grass with her skirt around her hips. She laughed again, sticking her tongue out at him.

     ‘She never wanted him,’ he continued.  ‘Given over in marriage like a herd of sheep gifted to a neighbour, she didn’t want-he was…. hurting her. Conchobar forbade me to follow. He did not wish to risk more bloodshed; I was expected to obey. What need does a war-dog have for a wife he told me. I would have listened, done my duty, but day after day, locked up in his castle, every night…. there are laws, bonds to be followed between husband and wife, I know, yet…I…I couldn’t. It wasn’t right.’

     ‘Oh?’ The Morrígan adjusted the hem of her dress, stopping to consult her reflection in the pail of water. It winked. She blew it a kiss. ‘And the women taken against their will by the Ulstermen, as you led their hosts and slew their husbands, I had thought that was right,’ she said.

    Cú Chulainn leaned forward to stare into the fire.                  

     ‘I am the Hound of Ulster; I do the bidding of my masters. That is my vow. I just…I thought maybe, this one thing I could do, one kindness…maybe it would matter.’ His gorge rose as he heard his own words. They were so hollow they echoed. He felt like a boy again, stammering out apologies as the village folk gasped and pulled their sons behind their legs, his hands covered in the blood of children, we were just play-fighting, I wanted to help, I’m sorry, I just wanted to play, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. 

     ‘So, you killed Cú Roí.’ She yawned, her face a crescent of strawberry-daubed lips. ‘Oh, you silly boys.’

    Cú Chulainn laughed, a metallic rasp. ‘No. That would have truly made me an oathbreaker. She stabbed him in the throat with a hairpin before I had even broken down the door. I took his head, bade her leave, bore the deed on my shoulders. Conchobar will not ride to my aid, though I am sure he trusts I will survive. Maybe he hopes I will kill Lugaid too, spare him the need to declare open war. Then I can return to his service, chastised, meek. Does it matter? I walk alone.’

     The Morrígan arched an eyebrow. ‘My, my, such sacrifice. Yet even so, the girl still took her own life.’

     Cú Chulainn’s fists clenched. He remembered the girl, crazed out of her mind, still clutching the bloodied dress she had worn the first of many times Cú Roí had ravaged her. Teetering on the edge of a cliff as the sea frothed below, leaving behind only the memory of yellow hair, the ghost of a scream. The dull thunder of the waves.          

                                                                                

     ‘Just another soul damned by the Hound of Ulster, is that what you wanted to hear, Great Queen?’ asked Cú Chulainn. The Morrígan looked up from where she had been winding a lock of hair across one finger.

     ‘So now, for your kindness, for a murder you never committed Lugaid bears down on you,’ said the Morrígan. Cú Chulainn nodded slowly.

     ‘Does the boy know? The fresh-faced one who loves the horses? He’s pretty.’

     ‘No. Though I think he begins to understand. I did not wish to burden him with curses heaped on my head.’

     ‘You lead him, blind, to a battle you cannot win, another sacrifice on the altar to your glory?’ sneered the Morrígan, her face twisting. ‘Silly, silly boys, all broken promises and bloated confidence.’ Purple eyes rolled like dice. ‘Mothers tell their daughters never to trust a man can change. When will your thirst for leading young men to their deaths be sated, Cú Chulainn?’

     Cú Chulainn pinched his forehead. Imprinted behind his eyes as if with hot needles were the mangled corpses of the boy troop of Emain Macha. Those foolish lads had charged at the hosts of Connacht to defend their land whilst he coupled with the Morrígan. If he had been there, he could have saved them.  Instead, he had built stinking walls of rotting flesh from the savaged corpses of the soldiers who had slain them, dyeing the river water with bile, blood and leaking pus. He had given in to the ríastrad, the warp that made his body swell and grow and crack into a slaughter-beast, but it had not saved the boys.                   

     The Great Queen did not lie. An eternal legend could not win back the stolen years from a graveyard of beardless youths doomed by the song of Cú Chulainn.    

            

                                                                                  

     ‘Why not let him go?’ probed the Morrigan. ‘Release him from his service?’       

    ‘The boy…. he was entrusted to me. He understands me, or something of the kind.’

     ‘Understands?’ she snorted. 

     ‘No. He is not scared of me, even though he should be. He is unwilling, or unable. I would like for him to be by my side, until the end. I would like to die without staring into the face of fear. I remember it more than I do my own mother.’

     ‘You tongue was never this loose when we first met,’ said the Morrigan.  

     ‘What sense is there in hiding fear from you? It is your domain.’

     ‘True. I know of your despair, Cú Chulainn. All men dread meeting their end alone and unloved. How mortal of you.’                                         

    ‘To be mortal is to be selfish,’ he barked back. ‘Why need I be any different? Was my birth not penance enough? A life made up of stifled screams when they meet my gaze and gooseflesh when I reach out for a touch. I have forgotten what a smile sounds like, Morrígan. Our kings take their trinkets and jewels with them beyond the grave. Is it so terrible to try and bring love with me?’                                                                      

     ‘You loved me, once,’ said the Morrígan. 

     ‘Once.’    

     Hound of Ulster and Phantom Queen sat opposite the campfire, and the hollowness of pain wrote itself quietly on their faces.

    The ghost of sounds and images hovered in front of the fire. Once, after the battle-frenzy had consumed him, Conchobar’s druids had laid a glamour over his eyes so he would fight the ocean that slammed against the shore and spare  the hosts of Ulster his maddened rage.

    The foam had reared like stallions, the roar of the waves had trumpeted with battle cries, and Cú Chulainn had battled with the tides until sleep overtook his body. Just like going to sleep. No matter how hard he fought, the water had rushed ever onward, and it had covered him in a blanket of brine when he collapsed into the sand. A lifetime of guilt spent on a foe that still mocked him from the beaches of his home, waving taunts from seagull-speckled rocks.                                                              

    ‘There is no love for the butcher,’ he said. ‘No more.’    

    It was what the Morrígan had been waiting for. Another flicker in the air, now accompanied by a noise, like hair tearing from the scalp of a keening widow. Where a young girl had stood there was now an older woman, her face scarred with the first crows-feet of age, her violet eyes thickened by grief. Her dress of many colours was tattered at the hem, and one breast, heavy with milk, spilled from her bosom. The Morrígan whirled on Cú Chulainn, her cheek lined with the ragged wounds of fingernails, her eyes streaked with grimy tears. When next she spoke, her voice was thunderous. Rage pulsed from her form like a dark red halo.

     ‘Aye, Cú Chulainn, widower, maker of orphans,’ she snarled. ‘Know thee well your legacy. Why shed you tears over the killing of one son, when so many have been buried at your hand?’ she raged, her hair crackling as it shook. ‘Hound of Ulster, breaker of homes, ruin of young loves and old bonds, rabid beast, where is your will?’

    ‘I told you. You know it. I had no choice. It was my duty to them, to my name,’ snarled Cú Chulainn, but the Morrígan’s laugh was the scream of a murder of crows.                                                                              

    Duty, you say, Warped One. How fares your precious duty? Can it make you whole again, if it ever did? Can it buy a stolen future?’ She spat on the ground. ‘Answer me this, hound of the smith.’

     Without realizing it, Cú Chulainn had begun to weep. He had sworn a vow that night, cold and shaking in his bed, that never again would he debase himself by shedding tears. Yet his was a history of broken promises, and now they fell, fat and thick, down his cheeks as he sat heavily on the ground.

     ‘I didn’t want to do it,’ he rasped hoarsely. ‘It was the oath. Until I die, I am not a man, Great Queen. I am the mongrel mutt of Conchobar, and I will fight the sea itself until it scours the flesh from my bones. I didn’t want to do it.’

     ‘So, this is how you will live your life, or what remains of it, Cú Chulainn,’ spoke the Morrígan. ‘A blood-stained dog with no say in what throat it tears, knowing only that it must bite whoever stands opposite the chain that holds it.’

     ‘I will not live much longer,’ said Cú Chulainn a sickly smile at his lips. It did not reach his eyes. ‘It’s for the better, wouldn’t you agree? I think there are many out there who would. Look around. This is no age of heroes, Morrígan. Ulster’s wars are finished. Even Lugaid’s grudge is but a tantrum, a hammer swung against one ant. It is time to surrender the world to the farmers and weavers, the poets and the bards.’  

     Cú Chulainn tilted his head back, taking in the heavens, wiping away the traces of his shame with one finger. He sighed, softly, not a complaint but the quiet realization of a man finding out all that is left for him to do in life is rest. To make truce with the waves he had wrestled with and let them carry him beyond the shimmering light of the horizon to find out where the sun makes its bed.’

    The Morrígan’s fury had abated. She was looking now at him with something that could have been pity.

    ‘I see you will come willingly. Yet…you are no fool, you could have left me before I broke bread and salt. You could have kept your geas, buy you did not.’ For the first time since they had met, the Morrígan looked genuinely confused. Only for a second, but Cú Chulainn saw the puzzled eyes of her younger form blink, not understanding.                                                                         

    ‘Why?’                                                                                                             

    ‘Because I killed a hundred fathers, and a thousand sons. Because I cheapened the love of good women, whose mercies I never earned,’ said Cú Chulainn.

    ‘Because this is no age of heroes,’ he repeated. ‘My oath binds me until my death. Now fate has delivered me something I might call…. freedom? Think of it as the last, great deed of Ulster’s war-dog. I will leave them with the story, but not the man. For the story to work, it needs to have an end. Ah, Conchobar, the men like him, I am certain they will rush to begin a new tale, find their fresh slaughter-beast, who knows? Yet, Morrígan…. maybe, just maybe, when I am long dead and buried…perhaps another child will hear of the fall of Cú Chulainn. Pause, for an instant, before rushing to take up arms, and he will grow and age and die happy on the sick bed of a man, not the lair of a dog.’ 

    His hand shook in a fist by his side. They had stolen his name from him, made him pledge himself to the banners of Ulster, all for a rabid mutt. He had just been a boy; he had been scared. Was still scared.                        

    A leathery hand fell on his shoulder, jolting him out of his panic. Cú Chulainn realized that his jaw was clenched, and that he was trembling. He looked down at the Morrígan, and into the creases of wrinkled skin that was an old and matronly crone. She took his hand gently.                                                                                    

     ‘Easy now, wee one,’ she said, leading him over to where his armour lay. The pail had disappeared, and now it shone, bright and bloodless on the grass of Ireland. Slowly, but surely, she began to dress the warrior, buckling straps, tightening leather, lacing his jerkins with practiced ease. The armour changed as it touched his flesh, growing to fit his frame, shone to a mirror-sheen, until it was unrecognizable as the tarnished suit he had dirtied as a young man. Not once did those old fingers tremble. 

     As she circled Cú Chulainn, she was now a mother, absentmindedly tucking and straightening the edges of his cloak, brushing grass from his shoulder. Now she was a maiden, feet white and bare against the earth, placing a belt of bronze, iron and gold around the hero’s waist. Cú Chulainn looked down at the image of the girl, her hair shot with the dark purple of crushed flowers.

     ‘Will you be there?’ he asked. Just to hear her answer. Hoping for her word. The Morrígan brushed her lips against his, standing on her tiptoes to reach. He thought it would be cold. It was not. 

     ‘Always.’    

     She called out to him, one last time, before he left. Her voice rang out, chiming with the three shouts of the maiden, the mother and the crone.

     ‘Goodbye, scarlet-clad hero!’ And then, a name, the true name Cú Chulainn had almost forgotten was his own.

     ‘Goodbye, Sétanta!’                                                                         

    Sétanta, who had been Cú Chulainn, laughed, the high, wild laugh of a child and the sun was in his cheeks, and in his hair, and stars danced in his eyes where it reached his tears.

    It happened in a place called Knockbridge. The sky was clear and blue when the war-host of Lugaid, son of Cú Roí, rode him down.        

     The demigod rode alone in his chariot. The child clad in raven-feathers was nowhere to be seen. As the soldiers began their attack, Láeg slept by a campfire of ringed stone, a light bruise forming at his temple where his master had gently struck him. When he woke, maybe he would mourn him. Maybe he would hate him. Probably, in time, he would forget him. Yet he would be alive when he did so and time would snow upon his chin until a beard grew from his fuzzy lips.

    In his place, Sétanta held his rampaging horses together with one arm, the reins wound about his wrist. The cart shrieked across the turf. Death loped behind him in fierce pursuit, tumbling and sprinting, swords rattling, horns yawping their monstrous tantrums to shatter against the hilltops.      

     Yet the dog of the Ulstermen did not return their baying chants. A flash of black wings darted through the clouds. Spears flew from the chariot of Sétanta, slicing into feet, arms, hands, pinning men to the dirt. When he had run out of spears, he leaned out of the chariot and grasped at rocks. Stones wailed through the chilly air. Wood splintered, horses shrieked in terror, the chariots careened into the distance. All the men at Lugaid’s side had waited for the ríastrad. They had waited for the Hound of Ulster to unleash his battle-fury, the berserker rage that twisted his body into a hollering fiend. It had not happened. No distortion rippled across his body. Perhaps if it had, he would have lived.                                          

    The first of Lugaid’s spears sent the horses tumbling to the ground. A flash of white silver was enough for Sétanta to slice his arm free from the reins and leap to safety. The son of Lugh drew the barbed, blackened thing from his back then. He hefted the Gáe Bolga. It was a miracle that the war-host did not scatter. It was close. Every man present had heard of that weapon. The unlucky few who lived through the raid of Connacht to see what it did ran first, scattering madly for cover. One man’s hair turned white on the spot as his mind broke from fear, sending him gibbering and hooting towards the forest where he would live among the beasts and birds until the end of his days. 

     Sétanta balanced the spear sideways across his toes and tossed it high into the air, stepping back. Lugaid let out a shrill bellow of terror and dive from his chariot. His loyal charioteer lunged in front of his master, now guarding only empty space, hefting an enormous shield. Just as the Gáe Bolga fell to the height of Sétanta’s knees he kicked out, striking the butt of the spear with his heel. Where his foot slammed against the wood, the grass blew back. The dread weapon roared across the length of the plain, a dark streak that screamed as it went.

     Yet…. the spear had gone high, streaking through the upper rim of the shield and past the boy’s neck. The Gáe Bolga punched into a tree and stuck fast as it worked its gruesome magic, jagged barbs of bone shooting from the tip, bursting from the brittle oak. Had the demigod missed? Impossible. The weapon never failed to find its mark. The bards told this in their songs, and songs cannot lie.

     Lugaid’s final throw took the hero in the side.

     Sétanta dragged himself over to a standing stone, a relic of a forgotten time. He stood, even as his entrails fell around his hands and tied the raw pink bands three times around the stone, binding himself upright. His legs buckled and gave way. The war-host advanced towards the stone. The dying champion was muttering something to himself, again and again. Then he threw his head back and drew a rush of air into his lungs. The younger lads got the worst of it. The older and more experienced warriors had just enough time to clap their hands over their ears.

    Sétanta screamed.

    The closest man to the stone keeled over instantly, unconscious, black blood spurting from his ears. Those that were lucky would feel a sick, throbbing in their heads for almost a month. Sétanta’s chin drooped, finally touching his chest. A sigh whispered from his mouth. and his eyelids closed. As his head lolled to the side, the war-host stood paralyzed. Surely, at any moment, those sleeping eyes of many-coloured fire would snap open and they would be torn from limb to limb.

     The eyes did not open. A look, oddly like that of a sleeping child untroubled by the future, was frozen on the warrior’s face.

     A while later, Lugaid and his company marched up to the stone, eager to claim a trophy from the demigod’s corpse. When he reached out to take the ivory-hilted sword still clutched in Sétanta’s fingers it slipped, taking Lugaid’s arm off at the wrist. The body stood upright against the rock, unarmed.

     A raven landed on Sétanta’s shoulder and began to nuzzle its beak against his neck.

    Strangely, the bird looked like it was greeting an old friend.

  • From Darkness to Promote Me

    From Darkness to Promote Me

    The following chronicle was cobbled together from a patchwork of archival documentation, medical records, and letters related to the life of the once-celebrated Commander Jean-Jacques Auguste. I would like to thank Monsieur Auguste’s estate for graciously providing access to the late Commander’s private journal.

    I will reluctantly admit that I cannot provide any comments as to whether the events recounted here are credible or not. History, mendacity, and superstition shape this epistolary puzzle: I leave it to my trusty readers to be judges, juries, and (dare I say it?) executioners of time’s sordid legacy. But enough from me-—it is time for the living to hold their tongues, and for the dead to speak.

    Report drafted by Garrison Commander Jean-Jacques Auguste, Second Franco-Mexican War, 2nd of August 1865.

    “Frightful business with a spot of local unrest. Juárez loyalists took up arms to storm the munitions arsenal. Attack was quickly thwarted. Minimal French casualties sustained. Loyalists apprehended.

    One civilian death reported, a young native girl. Unable to properly ascertain the culprit. Most likely an accident.

    Family has been duly compensated for the cost of the burial. Men are in high spirits after the victory. There seems to be no indication of further violence.

    Glory to the Emperor and may God have mercy on our souls.”

    Private correspondence of Garrison Commander Jean-Jacques Auguste to Madame Madelaine Auguste, 3rd of August 1865.

    “They hanged the brigands today in the courtyard, as the sun was setting. Oh, my dove, what a beastly hour to take the life of a man! A condemned man should be permitted to leave this earth beneath a clear sky. Instead, they shuffled onto the gallows, stained blood-red by the dying light of the evening. They cast great shadows for men so small.

    I hope these words I write are not too displeasing. I appreciate your desire to be informed of my doings overseas, but I can make no promises as to the content of these letters. The work of a soldier is grim business, and our duties here in Mexico are a far cry from the parades in honour of the emperor back home. I still remember the blush on your cheeks as I strutted in that silly dress uniform. Good heavens, I looked like a wedding cake! I would rather you hold onto on to that image of this proud fool who loves you too much for his own good, than that of the battered, tired man who writes this now.

    The crowd did not cheer when the brigands swung. I am not sure if it would have been better if they did.

    I simply wish for this confounded war to end. One can only hope that braggart Juárez sees sense and forfeits the debt these Mexicans refuse to pay to the Crown! My palate is more refined for our evening treats at the Boulangerie Viennoise than these base offerings of blood from a gaggle of Cains.

    Oh darling, that I could once more see fields of dew-slick grass, feel the grey mist of an evening rain! I struggle to put it into words, but this country’s soil does not agree with me.”

    Excerpt from the personal journal of Garrison Commander Jean-Jacques Auguste, 3rd of August 1865.

    “I watched as they buried the young girl, though I knew I was not welcome. Nevertheless, I felt compelled to see it with my own eyes, as they lowered the coffin into the red clay. I think I buried the family dog in a similar fashion, stuffed inside a crate once used for storing milk.

    I could not tell Madelaine. I fear I have already upset her with my grisly talk of executions. Besides, women take the sufferance of children quite poorly. I cannot help but wonder whether they are more sensible for this. It is difficult not to ponder how I would have felt, had it been a daughter of my own sepulchered beneath the dirt. Try as I might, I could not coax out any tears.

    The natives said nothing of our presence there, but I feel that for the first time since our arrival we are seen. Before they simply stared, but did not look, those vacant, simple black eyes flitting over uniforms and flags, like a gentleman sighting a vagrant begging for alms on the side of the road. Acknowledging that he is there (as a stone in your path is) but not recognizing him as a thing that lives. I fear the natives see us clearly now, and anything that lives, one knows, must also bleed.

    The searing winds have picked up, and they unearth a putrid smell. My only hope is that any threat of further violence is buried quietly alongside the coffin. It would be a terrible thing indeed for them to lose more daughters, now that they have no fathers left to raise them.

    The native girl’s mother did not weep at all throughout the burial. Instead, she simply stared mutely at the earth.

    Before I departed, she moved to toss a final clod of parched mud onto the mound, my shadow spreading out to mingle with hers. Native and Frenchman, intertwined by an umbilical stretch of darkness, knotted over the remains of a murdered girl.”

    Private correspondence of Garrison Commander Jean-Jacques Auguste to Madame Madelaine Auguste, 9th of August 1865.

    “…. a most unusual occurrence was bought to my attention this morning, my darling. It appears that one of the men, Maxime Dupont, refuses to participate in drills as expected of him.

    I investigated further myself, as the lad in question has always been a most noble, patriotic, and proud fellow. I am sure that if you think back hard enough, you will remember Monsieur Dupont, darling, for he was present at on our wedding day. A rather tall, brown-haired chap with crooked teeth, very polite. I recall you remarking that his manners quite impressed you, so you will also share my puzzlement.

    Upon being questioned as to the nature of this bizarre attitude, Monsieur Dupont refused to explain himself properly. He appeared to be melancholic and convinced that he was under severe risk of being harmed. Monsieur Dupont’s condition was serious enough that he has been temporarily placed under the care of our physician.

    Most likely, this is the consequence of too much time spent underneath the sun. That, or there may be some thuggish behaviour carried out underneath my nose by scoundrels harassing Monsieur Dupont. Regretfully, it would not be the first time this has happened within the army, though I pray such shameful deeds are not the cause of his distress.

    I do hope you are taking care of yourself, my dove. The French heat is often as merciless as the brands of Mexico. It heartens me that you took my last letter so well, though I feel I must apologize for indulging in gory details. Do try out the new hat I have sent if it has arrived already. I am certain it will be the envy of all your reading society.

    I tried to look over the Baudelaire you enclosed for me, but I confess I do not really understand it. It will fall to you to help me through it when we are in each other’s arms once more.

    Your love, and faithful servant, Jean-Jacques.”

    Report drafted by Garrison Commander Jean-Jacques Auguste, Second Franco-Mexican War, 11th  of August 1865.

    “……. Dupont’s case continues to worsen. Has been isolated away from the rest of the men for his own safety, and theirs. Have ordered him to be physically restrained. He insists on incurring grievous wounds upon his own person. Ordered his quarters to be lit constantly.

    He is at his most demented in the presence of darkness. No certain diagnosis as of yet. Cause of madness is still unexplained. Private Dupont is physically in perfect health and has yet to see battle.

    Have instructed for the old well to be inspected, and a new well to be dug. Contamination in the water may explain Dupont’s behaviour. Have also issued an investigation following frequent reports of whoring and men soliciting the services of native girls. I would not be surprised to discover that the diseased patient is hiding the initial symptoms of syphilis.

    This unfortunate circumstance has taken a toll on morale. However, I am confident order will be reinstated soon. Have personally attempted to interview Dupont, but there is nothing of value to report in his testimony.”

    Entry from the personal journal of Garrison Commander Jean-Jacques Auguste, 14th of August 1865.

    “Monsieur Dupont passed away this evening. The poor man resorted to chewing out his own tongue to end his life. There is little in this world more pitiful than suicide, but even this defies belief. The physician found him drowned in his own blood, the pink stump of flesh a bulging mass inside his throat. It was wedged so firmly in the poor devil’s gullet that they had to slit it open for removal.

    This is not the handiwork of a syphilitic lunatic, and I confess, to my great disgrace, I have not been entirely honest in my reports of Dupont’s behaviour. Yet, in my defense, there are certain happenings so outlandish that to relay them to my superiors would, at best, question my authority and, at worst, my own sanity.

    The day before he bit out his own tongue, Monsieur Dupont fainted, screaming in fear of a little girl.

    A widespread search was conducted as to whether any of the native population had managed to infiltrate the barracks. No foreign presence, never mind a little girl, was located. I would be remiss not to mark the unsettling echoes of the Mexican child buried two weeks ago, but it would be preposterous to fall into the waiting jaws of superstition. It is a ravenous beast that gluts itself on paranoid delusions and self-fulfilling prophecies.

    That being said, I find it hard not to attach any importance to Dupont’s words the night before he expired. All the while, he shrieked the same three words repeatedly. Even when fatigue overcame him, he moaned them out in a stupor: Solid. Dark. Shadow. Solid. Dark. Shadow.

    The bizarre nature of this…incantation has kept me from further reporting the event. After all, the words make so little sense.”

    Shields, Frederick James; Hamlet and the Ghost; Manchester Art Gallery.

    Emergency message delivered to Garrison Commander Jean-Jacques Auguste by Chasseur Hugo Verne, 17th of August of 1865.

    “…whilst on sentry duty this evening, me and Garnier and I spotted movement from up on the garrison. The watchword was asked for. No answer was given. No reply or any more movement was noted.

    Later, around midnight, movement again. Garnier and I observed a solid, dark shadow on the Eastern wall. I note solid, Commander Auguste, begging your pardon, as this wasn’t a trick, and Garnier can back up my statement.

    Lost sight of the intruder before we could get any closer. No evidence of the stranger’s presence could be found, no footprints or anything of the kind.

    I believe it is for the best, if you don’t mind my speaking out of turn, Commander Auguste, to consider more security along the walls. The ease with which this intruder fooled both me and Garnier is……. troubling, as on my honour as a Christian, neither of us were neglecting our post or sneaking a drink that night and were both on the highest of alerts.”

    From the personal journal of Garrison Commander Jean-Jacques Auguste, 17th of August 1865.

    “I do not know what to make of Monsieur Verne’s report. Recent circumstances leave me shaken to my core. I have prayed to God for assistance in this matter and asked Him to dissuade these fancies that threaten to plunge me into the raving world of witches and lunatics. He remains silent as the crowd that saw those brigands hang, a mute disgust watching me with sable eyes. Quietly measuring out a noose to circle my neck.

    It was those words again, in Monsieur Verne’s tale. Words said in sequence, that he could not have possibly heard from the departed Monsieur Dupont, who howled them out only to a physician and to me.

    Solid. Dark. Shadow. Solid. Dark. Shadow. What on earth does it mean? Is this a code or cipher, a motto whose significance I am simply too slow to understand? Yet there again it appears, creeping through the flow of his speech like mold, slowly spreading from beneath its dank abode, solid, dark shadow, solid, dark, shadow, a redundancy made manifest. Nevertheless, I find myself repeating it as I would my nightly prayers.

    How can I not peer into the folds of night and imagine, hidden in them, a shape, biding its time, observing me in silence, waiting for my back to be completely turned to lunge at me in fury?

    The longer that I squint into the shadows, the more they seem like slippery coils of matter coalescing and drifting apart-but no, no, they do not yet appear dark, or solid, though shadows they may well be. The candlelight strikes at their questing tendrils and whips them back. What fear is there for a soldier of the Empire that quelled this dry and savage land when faced with goblins, ghouls, and childish inventions?

    Ours is an age of reason, and to reason I must pledge myself as servant and crusader.”

    Private correspondence of Garrison Commander Jean-Jacques Auguste to Madame Madelaine Auguste, 24th of August 1865.

    “Though it pains me to admit it, Madelaine, I exhumed the child’s corpse yesterday, alone, under the cover of darkness. Of late these days, I have been more than a little dishonest both to you and to my superiors. I understand this must confuse you, but all I ask of you is to try and to understand.

    It was my bullet that ended the poor thing’s life, a terrible accident. I would never have committed such an atrocity in good conscience-you know how much I love children, oh Madelaine, how can I make you see it? The smoke, the shouts, the haze of gunpowder…. a stray bullet, but nevertheless, one from my own gun. It was dismissed as a tragedy, a slip-up. You are the only soul that knows this, the only soul that I can trust to lead me with your perfumed hand through this field of thorns.

    Please, if the holy bonds that join us as man and wife could ever be called upon for a matter such as this, let me call upon them now.

    Should I have come clean, admitted the murder to be my fault? Would my superiors have cared? We all knew the bullet that the physician removed from her heart was of French make. Yet no uproar was raised, no guilt doled out-we all witnessed it, but only I saw. Madelaine, my love, the world will never know it was my rifle, the. The world does not want to know, but I will always bear that memory upon my shoulders, splinters, and all.

    And now all this talk of specters and shapes and death, it is choking me, Madelaine. Even now I question the decision, but it is for the best neither the Mexicans nor my men know of my momentary lapse of good conscience. I had to know, had to ensure that shame and rumour did not run amok any longer through my garrison. The chaos would be unimaginable. I rest easy with mud beneath my fingertips rather than innocent French blood staining my palms. Some doubts are best put to rest expeditiously and without fanfare.

    The fire that burnt what remained of the native girl left nothing solid indeed. Though try as I might, no matter how high I fanned the flames, I could not quite dispel those infernal shadows.”

    Report taken from the medical journal of Garrison physician Jean-Baptiste Rochefort, 26th of August 1865.

    “Deceased have been identified as Chasseurs Hugo Verne and Charles Garnier. Monsieur Verne’s wounds point to a shattered skull and broken neck. Body was found at the bottom of the stairs leading to the watchtower.

    Little blood found on the stairs themselves, indicating Monsieur Verne threw himself, or was thrown, impacting beside the final steps with tremendous force. Vertebrae in the neck completely pulverized. Serious lacerations observed on Verne’s hands, torso, and feet. Bite-marks and scratches from a human hand, some deeper injuries, from a blade of some kind. Unable to accurately identify marks as those of an attacker or self-inflicted.

    Monsieur Garnier found impaled through the jaw on the bayonet of his service-issued rifle. Blade lodged firmly in the top of the cranium. Gunpowder burns on Garnier’s hands and face are evidence of an attempt at discharging his weapon. Angle of entry of the blade proves Monsieur Garnier was aided by gravity. Monsieur Garnier’s torso and extremities bear signs of grievous corporal punishment.

    Presence of unusual blemishes in the eyes of both deceased. Cloudy bruises on the surface of the pupil are reminiscent of a solid, dark shadow.”

    Private correspondence of Garrison Commander Jean-Jacques Auguste to Madame Madelaine Auguste, 5th of September 1865.

    “This will be the last letter I send to Paris, my darling, not because my love for you has dimmed in any way, but because I believe it is best you separate yourself from a wretch such as I before it is too late. You may weep when you read these words, you may call me cruel, but it is the necessary cruelty of the monk who shreds his back to ribbons in the pursuit of salvation.

    As it is, I have resigned myself to the knowledge that even in death, we will not be reunited. I will still remember you fondly, though my eyes be blinded with hot blood from the boiling lakes of Hell. I sleep next to the fire now, for its blazing light is infinitely preferred to the cold, the teeming, wet womb of shadows that slide themselves over my skin, seeking to pour into my ear, thrice blasted and thrice infected for the purpose of my ruin.

    Yet I confess myself a coward, for still I wince and turn away when the edges of the fire’s tongues lick at my cheeks and fingers. If I cannot even stomach these flames, what will I endure in the dungeons of Tartarus?

    I did not mean to kill that little girl. It was an accident; I could not have seen her!

    But…I saw her the other night, in the hallway outside my quarters. Scoff at my words, denounce them as the fevered delirium of a madman driven insane by guilt. She-she? No, it was just… standing stood there, the silver mist of moonlight hovering like a miasma behind it.

    Before I had dismissed the reports of my men of the “solid, dark shadow” but now I know what they meant. That slight figure did not move, but even surrounded as it was by its brethren, the shadow of the girl hung in space, a rip in the fabric of the world.

    Perhaps the worst thing about it was its weight. The thick, heavy feel of its shape that belied it as something tangible, something set in its place and its purpose. Not an airy, specter that could be passed through, but a creature whose hands could touch andg rasp and feel and hurt and choke and scratch………its footsteps leaden thuds advancing onwards at the call of twilight, fingers smudging their blackened grime on doorknobs forced open, sabers shattered, rifles broken.

    Even then I understood that though it could be touched, it could not be killed. Any round discharged at that chest would be devoured by the hungering dark. Within the shape of that thing there dwelled the entrails of midnight, a corruption that had leeched its shadows from our hearts and minds and gorged itself, waiting to multiply.

    Had it been lying in wait, spreading like gangrenous rot ever since the winds blew that rancid stench from within the murdered girl’s coffin? Or maybe, like a seed, like grain, it was we who had carried it. Packed it in straw, sealed in crates, stuffed tight alongside the cannon, the rifles, the swords, the mortars, the grapeshot, and gunpowder sent over in droves on the emperor’s boats to germinate in this world of unspoken, bloodied truths.

    I had stared at similar shadows on the prow of my ship as it crossed the Atlantic, dripping from the folds of the tricolore, I had glimpsed it crawling inside shell-casings and lurking behind my shaving-mirror, wearing my face as a carnival mask. It must have helped me dig up the girl. The task had seemed faster that night, as if some being was scrabbling at the wood of the coffin from below, eager to be free.

    I ran. Why bother denying it? I ran, tearing down the corridor, bolting back towards the fire, towards the light that could beat back the shadows. It did me little good. It never will. This terror that stalks us all is not a foe to be vanquished by any means of reason, for we have always been endarkened.

    I can feel it within me now, from where it peeled off and slipped into my own shade. The filth is a second skin, sewn onto my back. It hovers over my head, stretching and dancing on the walls as it catches the light, doubling my every move like a mime, an ape with a thousand forms. How could I possibly return to France, nestling this parasite in my bosom, a prodigal son of lies returned to the place of its birth? It would flit from host to host, trailing the blossoms of its tarnish in its wake, curdling the souls that already hide the kernels of that self-same seed.

    I will not be the father to a legacy of shadows.

    I love you Madelaine, though you wish I never had. Remember the gilded uniform, remember the walks by the Seine, the pastries shared by lamp light. Please remember my face, one last time, before its features run melt into a pall.”

    Excerpt from medical records obtained from Charenton Asylum, Charenton-Saint-Maurice, 28th of October 1865.

    “Monsieur Auguste’s mental state has not shown any significant indications of improvement. Almost a month has passed since his internment and transportation from Mexico, and he continues to be stricken with active and severe attacks of melancholia.

    Recently discharged from the infirmary after a case of self-mutilation, Monsieur Auguste flayed chunks of his own feet with a stolen kitchen knife. Claims it was to cut away his shadow.

    Fear of the night has repeatedly been observed being his most obvious and frantic concern. Monsieur Auguste has been moved into solitary quarters for his own safety.

    Admittance today of a new lunatic. Assaulted several prostitutes due to bouts of psychosis likely triggered by a prolonged abuse of absinthe. Request for further medical examinations for possible venereal diseases carried by the patient: his body is covered in unusual blemishes, like solid, dark shadows.”

  • Claylickers

    Claylickers

    Beneath the earth they dug, shovels scraping away at the loam. Above them, the war raged on, a staccato heartbeat of artillery shells that rattled the filth packed tight against their heads.

    They did not care about the noise. It had become a creature comfort for them, a tether to a new normalcy drilled into their minds by the white-hot brand of tracer-fire and machine gun rounds. All they had to do was dig. So, they did, their faces corpse-masks sculpted from muck, hovering in the dark. Yellow streaks of lamplight cast a jaundiced sheen on bloodshot eyes that skittered as they moved forwards. Where their shadows merged, their silhouettes became monstrous moles. Bestial, blind, scrabbling with calloused hands towards the depths.                                        

    Cadan Hughes tried to avoid looking at his surroundings as he worked. Instead, he focused on the bite of his pick as he swung it. He braced against the tremors that ran eagerly up his arm. Better to fixate on the little things; the way the damp leg of his trousers rubbed up against his ankles like the family cat begging for treats back home, the way Broderick always coughed three times before he sniffed, or how, without noticing and without fail, Aidan’s shovel dug in time to the phantom tune of “Sosban Fach.”                                                                                   

    Cadan furrowed his brow and struck the wall. Maybe it wasn’t good to remember home. It conjured images of a warm pub keeping out the fog that hovered over the mountains, of drinking games they played, before marching off to the blasted heaths of Belgium. Away from all that was good or green. As he jostled against his fellow miners, their sweat ran and streaked together. He stepped aside to let Gruffydd lurch past with a bucket.  They weren’t strangers to mining. Cadan’s mighty arms had garnered him something of a notoriety in the coalmines back home, and the feel of a spade in his hands had been familiar to him even before the rattle. At least that was his father’s joke.

    This was different. The coalmines were hot, rough work, but softened by jokes and gossip (miners gossiped more than housewives, broken up by breaks taken in clouds of obsidian dust that settled on their brown paper bags as they compared packed lunches and drank cold, sweet tea from metal flasks. After each day, there was always the prospect of coming home and soaking in a hot tin bath then heading down to the pub to play cards and sing and dance.                   

    Cadan could not remember the last time any of them had sung.

    The thought of it was lunacy. You did not sing in the tunnels. You did not talk in the tunnels. Because the enemy also knew how to dig, and they were forever stalking through the soil. Prowling in searching for sappers, to break their bones and split their skulls and leave their corpses sepulchered by the blood-stuffed loam of no-man’s-land.

    Occasionally they would stop, drawing in tight, quick breaths. The muggy air would grow thin, cracking from the strain as their ears perked up, searching for the tell-tale thuds of the enemy as they mined. In those moments, the roots oozing from the sludgy roof became fingers poking through the walls in search of victims, and the trickles of dirt slithering around their boots whispered, anticipating screaming hordes erupting from the walls. Cadan had never killed a man. None of the team had, but every one of them knew their luck could only last for so long. At any moment the tools of their trade could become instruments of butchery.

    Cadan would not have ordinarily said he was afraid of dying, but the prospect of meeting his end in the tunnels was a different story. It was every miner’s greatest fear: to be claimed by the earth they had ravaged, to be buried yet forgotten. The pressure of the earth trapping the soul for eternity where it would harden, crumble, blacken until it was just another lump of coal. As he shuffled forward, sloughing through the sod, Caden looked from man to man.                                          

    Cold grey water wept in streams of pus from the puckered earth. In the half-light a dozen pair of eyes burned with gold to pay the ferryman.                                                                            

    Rhys, in the lead, raised a hand, calling for silence. The miners froze. It was only until several seconds had passed that it began to dawn on them that there was nothing to listen for. Worse still, all the rats had gone.  

    They always took the rats for granted. The war-machines of monkeys never deterred them. Their fat, mangy bodies were a common sight, paddling through the tunnels, chittering, black fur glittering with blood. Red-eyed gargoyles perched on the wooden support beams and laughing scornfully at the slaves that toiled below their kingdom, the trench rats were fearless beings. No matter how many of their brethren were impaled, crushed or dashed into pieces, still they returned, their pink, puppet hands grasping at any scrap of waylaid food they could pilfer. What could cause the vermin to flee?

    Cadan had never even considered there could be something worse down here with them. The realization was an icy jolt to everyone present, the creeping anxiety of returning home only to realize that all the furniture had been moved out of place. This was the silence of the womb; a wet, dull cocoon that signaled the beginning and the end of all things.

    The quake of the guns had ceased. Cadan pressed himself against the nearest man, digging his shoulder-blades into his back. The tunnel had become impossibly small, it was too small, the walls flexing, pulsing, closing in, a mouth ready to chew them up and spit out their bones.    

    At his side, Gruffydd let out a yell. Something had moved up ahead.     

    All they could see for now were its movements, but that was enough to understand that whatever had shifted in the gloom was not human. It was a sudden, primitive understanding relayed instantly to all present. Now the lamplight was the weak, crackling flame of the campfire, and the hunched and ragged men were once again cavemen huddled together against the terrors of the night.           

     A shape was approaching from within the scummy water-no, it was the water. It defied any attempt at categorization, any clumsy desire to label or confirm. It rushed toward them with the implacable tread of shadows emerging from beneath a child’s bed. All the miners could do was stumble backwards, battering uselessly at the dark.

    From the ground a being surged, growing before their eyes, blossoming like cancer. Grey, viscous liquid churned. Within it floated the ravaged corpses of rat and man alike, splinters of yellow bones and leathery flesh mixing, merging, separating. The organism’s body towered above them, its recesses throbbing with a million nameless dead. In the seething recesses of the beast Cadan could see the broken names from grimy labels, trailing broken stitches from where they had been peeled off jackets and trousers, the tattered shreds of handkerchiefs, photographs, rusted lockets and amulets, smothered together into a mess of death. Remains trawled from the filth, animated by a consciousness that smoldered with the pain of dying stars.  

    None of them could move.                                                                                  

    Cadan felt his knees knock together, clattering like dice on the stones of the schoolyard. Around him he heard the moans of his fellow men strike up in chorus. The stink of fear was worse than the sweat. Cadan tried to look at the thing, but something inside his brain resisted.                                   

    To understand it was futile. What remained was a weight, crushing down on them, driving them into a hapless quiver, the grindstone of despair. It stared down at its prey with hard, black withered eyeballs and spread tendrils of dented bullets, pockmarked teeth and rusted bayonet shards towards the nearest man.

    Then it was the man, it was on Rhys, seizing him by the waist and tearing away his side. Rhys didn’t even scream.  Undulating fingers, tipped with shattered dog tags and bent crucifixes pierced through the helpless victim’s jaw and stabbed into the back of his head. It pulled him upwards, the corpse’s feet trailing in the air like a hanged man. Butchered on the altar to the damp and the dark.            

    The beast held the dead man before the miners, and those stubs that might have been hands began to move his jaw up and down. Rhys wept blood in black rivers, and then the body spoke in a voice that was both its own but also something else. Brittle diamonds, an order filtered through the apish sludge of the human mind. The beast sounded out the commandment, ripping through the quiet and forcing its glass-tipped speech from the throat of the murdered man:

    Know Me.

    The command was everything. It bellowed its way inside every man, rushing like filth erupting from sewer-grates. It surged, crawling into their ears, forcings itself down their gullets, burbling past chapped lips. Worming between the moist cracks of tear ducts and quivering nostrils, it gouged and grubbed, spreading its barbed roots into the crevices of their mind until only it remained

    One by one, the being moved from man to man. Bowing over them, drinking from the froth of madness that spilled from their lips. Supping on the blood that ran from their wounds as they tore at each other’s faces, ramming shovels and pickaxes into their skulls to beat out the voice that squirmed within them.

    And Cadan understood. As the creature loomed before him Cadan learned of the solitude of obliterated galaxies. Ruined worlds, consumed by the frosted crystals of space, leaving behind a whirling, shrieking mind screaming for the answer to its existence. Begging for a response to a call that would let its name live just a few years more. Acknowledged by nothing. Collapsing onto a distant ball of earth, immured beneath the clay. Fossilized, disturbed, awoken, reduced to a relic of a savagery thought forgotten, cobbling together the rotting remains of a legacy from discarded trash, even as it crumbled into the muck.

    The other miners were on their hands and knees, retching, gibbering, bawling. They groveled in the mud, choking on the earthen clumps, gargling the stagnant water in supplication, bone-white faces peeking from where the hot tears they wept swept away the grime. A chorus of Gaelic, English, Latin warbled out. In the snatches of words, God and Mother and Home ran together like ink and blood.

    The beast ebbed and flowed from miner to miner, snatches of a face or the shape of a body visible for mere seconds. Its eyes whirled, burning wheels, fallen comets. Now a cry filled the recesses of the tunnel It was the drawn-out scream of throats raised in symphony with this thing. Yells, welcoming the unknown as the wetness crawled over their bodies, sucking them in. Faces within, stretched with howls of glee. Theatre masks, rolling their eyes in milk-white circles, champing and screaming. For a moment, the beast was whole, but then the connection was severed, and Cadan was a monkey again, except seconds ago he had been a God, and he thrashed, coughing hot blood. He wept in the agony of remembrance of what it had been to feast on quasars and couple with stardust. He hugged himself tightly, hating the thick, hairy arms that hung by his side, retching at the stubby fingers. The unbearable stink of his humanity was too much. The thing bore down on Cadan and his first impulse was to let it take him, but no, he would mingle his foul corruption with it, make it lesser, he would join it but not remember it, it would not be fair.

    He ran, the lantern crashing against the floor. Darkness rushed after him, like hunting-dogs scrambling along the length of the tunnel. The thing was moving behind him, but Cadan tore down the path, splashing through the muck, laughing and screaming as he went. He was in the stomach of some great, hungry worm. Its walls shivered at his touch as he stumbled blindly down their length.

    Up ahead-a noise. Cadan threw himself against the source. He had no shovel, he had forgotten his shovel, but he could still dig, he needed to dig.                                                                                    

    In the dark his arms and hands bent, twisting into paws.                                

    It was a German team that found Cadan Hughes, staggering in one of their tunnels, buried in dirt, stumbling towards them. The captain of the team ordered his men to stay back, hefting the sharpened edge of a trench-spade in one hand.   

    The approaching figure seemed like a shell-shocked soul, until it collapsed into the light, and they saw his eyes. The eyes of a blind man, clogged with mist. The figure reached out towards the captain, and where his fingers should have been there were only torn and savaged stumps, caked in gory muck. Shards of bone scraped feeble lines into the air.

    In the distance, one could hear the slow rush of water, and the silence of the rats. The apparition gurgled. Know Me.

    The captain drove the shovel into its head, and the madman died. The Germans moved on, walking over the corpse. Already, the mud was seeping over it, drawing it further and further downwards. Thick boots stamped the figure into the slime.

    The mining team disappeared into the recesses of the tunnel. Overhead, the guns began to boom once more. A dull gleam from the broken figure stamped into the clay may have been a dog-tag.

    Blanketed by ooze, the name etched into it had disappeared.

  • The Leech

    The Leech

    It is my four hundredth and fortieth year upon this Earth, and I can no longer recognize my own face. I know it in essence. I have seen the portraits, done in heavy oils, gnawed by rodents: a slanted brow, eyes narrowed to the dark gleam of an ink-dipped quill, nose curving like an osprey. No matter. The paintings of the regal man I once could have recognized are the spectre of a memory. The creatures that eat away at the crumbling paint are a grotesque parody of the worms that heaved their slippery coils across my undead flesh.

    Perhaps the fourth turn of a century has changed me in ways that the bubbling venom of the leech’s curse could never have. I sit sometimes, amid the gossamer thread of cobwebs, strewn like frost, that coat these stone walls. I dream, with fantastical, wild notions about what I may look like. Possibly I am transfigured into a cracked and wrinkled nightmare, glittering feline eyes peeking out from puckered flesh streaked with bile’s yellow brushstrokes. Maybe my features have been warped into a lupine mask, flesh tight against my skull, eyes burning lamplights. And perhaps there is no change, and the haughty gaze of that man, once buried in a coffin whose lid bears the marks of claws rending the rotten wood from the inside, has not moved. Immutable. Alabaster flesh turning aside the scythe of Father Time as a coat of mail would a dagger. I would not know. 

      

    All I can do is search the expanse of my pearlescent skin, run my fingers clumsily to feel the bridge of a nose, the curve of an eye-socket, the quivering softness of lips. Awkwardly trying to construct one whole image like a blind man clutching at the walls of a cave, palms fumbling along shards of stone. The mirror that sits above my bedroom table is as much a prop as the mattress itself. Standing before it I see an empty room, a man erased. The shadow of silhouette flickers on the carpet, begging to be heard, answered only by an empty glass.  

    In the beginning I welcomed it.                                                                                 

    After years of glutting myself on the living, it finally struck me….so much time to learn, better myself. I could hone my already prodigious capabilities to new lengths, be unrivalled among men in both body and mind. Think, what lengths the immortal could rise to, when unshackled from the limitations of finite life! Why, he could soar to the heights of da Vinci and Botticelli, compose symphonies to shame Handel and Vivaldi, trample on the works of Shakespeare and Marlowe, achieve feats of natural philosophy that would consign Albert Magnus to utter mediocrity! Yet only once I strove for perfection, did I truly realize what it meant to surrender one’s soul.                                                

    The paintings I produced were the scribbles of a child, ham-fisted smears of colour devoid of rhyme or reason. In an agony of confusion, I fought to breathe life into the canvas, a ludicrous task for one undead. Howling, raging, tearing at my flesh I thrashed back and forth, racking my mind to produce something, anything, but these slender fingers could only clutch the paintbrush in the fist of an ape. The gift of creation had been spirited away under my nose even as I gloated, unaware that I would never reach the true immortality of men who could feel.

     Heaps of parchment filled the castle halls in a blizzard, ripped by savage paws that could only throttle a quill in impotent frustration, spotting the paper with tears of ink. I procured a violin and set it on the rack to screech and whine, until I left its gutted carcass to collect dust, and the creatures of the night made no music, no music at all.

    No passion could fill this void. My brushes with love were reduced to the palest of imitations, as close to romance as the efforts of an artist gone decades without practice would be to the masterworks of his youth. A sweet creature would catch my eye, my fingers running over her skin, but to grip and pierce rather than caress. My hunger would be of an uglier kind than any spark of lust, teeth finding the neck not to nibble but to bite, clasping the body close to feel the heart pumping, quickening in fear. Her flesh draining where once it would have flushed with the same blood gushing in bitter streams down my throat. The quivering gasps of pleasure were now the jerking frenzy of a body in its death throes. As for a wife, I only ever took one, forgetting, in an instant of desperation, the nature of my curse, how brief she was compared to mine.                               

    She stood before me. I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, she was gone, powdered bone left to be swept by the wind and carried away.                          

    Four hundred years and more I count, though why I bother I could not truly say. It keeps the mind fresh, staves away the rot blossoming in my head. Cancerous petals bloom and mould has snuck its way between the cobbles of my abode. Mildew is adequate perfume for the days that eke their way forward with arthritic grace. The tapestries hang heavy with dust, and the grime has claimed the stained-glass windows, reduced to trinkets deprived of the sunlight that once made them gems.

    My God I miss the sunlight! The torments I would endure to see my halls dappled in jade and ruby, the blood I would spill, If I had any to give, for an evening watching the surface of a lake in the summertime, strewn with winking diamonds. A kingdom, my kingdom for the warmth of a June morning on my face!                 

    The urge, macabre, insane, often springs on me, seizes me with such force I begin to shake and grow weak. The prospect of finality, once incomprehensibly daunting, is now one I envy with the flaccid ruin I call a heart.                            

    I yearn to pluck away at the thick curtains that shield my windows and let the burning tide flood inside in streams of molten gold. 

    Oh, flay me alive with your fiery whips, I care not! The tongues of Hell cannot be worse than an eternity clothed in midnight!     

    I would cling to memory for salvation but can only pounce at half-remembered lives, too many for one man, a dozen faces to go with a hundred names. Sometimes I am rooted to the spot as if speared by lightning: the sound of hooves and the bellowing of Boyars flourishing banners wet and heavy with gore, the cacophony of London and the stench of a river turned cesspit. Ocean spray, a ship’s rudder groaning, the scream of a dull-eyed peasant ripped open in a forest clearing, a madman with zealot’s eyes lapping blood from a bleached floor……can I really call these fragments my own?                                                                       

    Here I sit, and time has passed me by like a carriage overtaking a poor man by the side of road, leaving him with snatches of laughter and good cheer. The glimpse of a true life he will vainly chase as a fool dances with his shadow, always one step behind.

    What existence for a man is this? Yes, the power, the elegance, the beauty of gliding through the night, shadows chased away by crimson eyes that see every quiver of a leaf, every twitch of fur on a rabbit’s hide, it is intoxicating at first. I remember the deranged glee of freedom from the mortal coil, the joy, terrifying, electric, of jeering in the face of God, my very existence the ultimate affront to His will, yet agonizing by His design.       

    Now the sneer fades from my lips. I scamper from the oncoming dawn, night after night, to curl in a cellar with no company save a hunger that can never be abated roiling in my stomach. The fine silks, the lace and velvet and furs that swaddled me have long-since rotted away. The candles sit cold in puddles of hard wax, for what use is light for eyes that see in darkness? My court is one of shadows, and when I dine my banquets become masques for the rats and the spiders.                                                                                               

    The clustered hovels scattered below my keep have grown into towns. Hovering in the empty sky, the moonlight casts me in silver. Lamplight from a hundred houses is the glare of torches in the hands of the mob. I am not welcome here. I can hear the sounds, a thousand lungs drawing breath, the laughter, the whispers, the sobs. If I close my eyes, for an instant, long enough, I can pretend that giggles burst from my lips, that it is my salted tears that stain barren cheeks, that the throb of life comes from within my breast and not theirs.               

    Once, such delusions would not have troubled me. Once, I held men in my thrall, but the sands of time slip ever onwards, and the monster that hides in the castle becomes just that: a monster, banished to the realm of the storybook and the tall tale. The whispered memory of a thing, nightmare of bared fangs and billowing cloaks, a terror for children dispelled by pulling a blanket over a sleeping head.               

    Pure cowardice keeps me as I am. Even centuries later, for all my wailing, the thought of hearing the thud of the gravedigger’s soil on my casket terrifies me. Consigned to a Hell of my own devising, I flee from the Hell I know awaits me if I stride into the daytime. White flesh, a man made of candlewax…would I melt, or simply crumble?           

    I twitch the curtain aside, ever so slightly. Across the pine-dappled hills, the orange glow of morning begins to creep forward. Touched momentarily, the grass becomes emerald. I had almost forgotten grass.                                                                                                  

    I let my hand fall. The curtain being drawn is the sound of a coffin slamming shut.           

    It is my four hundred and fortieth year on this earth.

    Inspired by the work of Bram Stoker

    The End

  • The Dream Eater

    The Dream Eater

    Officer Joseph Hayze of the Bureau of Acceptable Consumption had a truckful of ice delivered to his villa at the beginning of every week. For those unfamiliar with the socio-economic nuances of the Free Democratic People’s Confederate Republic of Veritas this expense may have seemed a tad excessive, but the Republic’s summers were long and dry. The slabs of ice were of the utmost importance for the Hayze house, tucked away as it was on the outskirts of the capital’s sun-scorched plains. There, a small but dedicated task force of maids were charged with dismantling the pearlescent chunks. Though he could have done it himself, Officer Hayze was content to let his staff hammer away at the glittering cubes. His hands were calloused enough already. All five fingers were studded with bubonic welts, leathery growths etched in by the grip of his pen as he sat in his office and devoured dreams.              

    Squirming impatiently in his favourite chair, Joseph Hayze awaited the incoming feast. His belt had been loosened in anticipation. Trolleys festooned with confiscated files, submissions and pre-Republic manuscripts awaiting review surrounded him, carted in by his staff like parade-floats. Everything was ready. A washtub of ice squatted expectantly under his desk whilst a tumbler of teeth-achingly cold liquid perspired over a coaster.

    Cracking his knobbly knuckles and rolling his neck, he got to work.                                                 

    A lesser man would have wavered at such a colossal task. Joseph Hayze was cut from a sturdier cloth. He boasted such a prodigious talent for identifying inferior literature that in his youth, when denied a position at the Veritas Institute of Arts and Letters, he had known that the submissions of the successful applicants were nothing but pretentious gutter-trash, without even having to read them. After the nineteenth rejection of his novel, The Chrysanthemums Weep, But Do Their Tears Sing? by Herbert and Miller Ltd, Hayze had realised that the publishers on the island, nay, the world, were nothing but myopic, elitist scoundrels out to crush the little man. Probably perverts as well. Herbert and Miller were currently choking on coal dust in one of the grimy work-camps up North. Such ideological enemies of the Republic were better suited to a pickaxe than publishing anyway. Meanwhile, thank you for asking, Chrysanthemums had just been re-released for its eleventh edition (Free Democratic People’s Confederate Republic of Veritas Press).                                            

    All this took place before the Glorious Restoration, of course. Before the Bureau, an institution whosetask, the censorship of the dreck that had infected their beloved country, was of a sanctity that made that old affair with the virgin’s son in the temple look pedestrian by comparison. Hayze spearheaded the literature and print division, a fact he rather enjoyed lording over his compatriots in charge of the more, well, popular arts. Hayze’s titanic position over the island’s starving artists conferred upon him an authority no author could match. A five-foot-six Kronos, he could reach back through time itself so that pre-Republic literary sensations were reprinted, castrated by his blade. In the present, he mostly culled fledgling portfolios offered up by writers who still hoped their dreams could flourish under the New Regime. Newborn ideas would be gobbled down by Hayze before they could rise to depose him. Sometimes he could go weeks without food as fantasies dissolved in his stomach, gastric acids eagerly obliterating the macerated dreams into a palatably orthodox mush.

    Hayze clicked the cap off his pen, dignified as a Templar unsheathing his blade. The scimitar-sting of a scorpion, its tip hovered over the first manuscript. Ah. A vestige of the Dark Ages, the last surviving poetry collection from his arch-nemesis Frederick Grace, recounting his struggles with addiction. Despite his disapproval, Hayze’s belly quivered. Grace was feeding the worms in a prison graveyard now, but this miserable scrap of his stamped-out legacy would be the perfect appetizer. Sure, it might be ‘poor formto relish in his rival’s destruction but, well, everyone had their own vices…errore humanus est, wasn’t that the saying?                                                                                                       

    Truth be told, he felt a thrilling kinship with the degenerate’s indulgence. Hayze’s mouth flooded with saliva when he recalled the day when, newly promoted to his current position, he had taken his pen to every name affiliated with the loathsome printing houses of yore, slashing lines of ruby ink across the list. Hissing through the air, a bloody scar once more ripped across a page as Hayze branded an X over the poetry’s cover. Better luck next time, brat. He finalized the butchery of his nemesis’s legacy, just for the glee of watching red lines excoriate Grace’s helpless stanzas, tearing clean through the paper in his enthusiasm. With a snarl of triumph, Hayze dropped the shrivelled compilation into the stack marked INCINERATOR. Good riddance. The little punk’s corpse would soon be reunited with his life’s work in the ash- heap of history.

    Wiping away drool, he turned to the remaining work awaiting censorship. His fingers hovered over table, perusing la carte. Grac’s oeuvre had been a scintillating warm-up, but the man was dead, and that harvest of dreams had just dried up. One manuscript would not suffice, heavens no. Hmmm… perhaps a few morsels of clandestinely printed feminist essays as an amuse bouche, to be followed by an hors d’oeuvres of avant-garde lyric and, splendid, a main course of surrealist novels. Yes, and for dessert, a bowl of potentially seditious utopian fiction, oooh, and a side of modernist theatre from an illicit student-publication too. Mercy, silver plate.

    As he gobbled it all down, cutting, editing, deleting, he dismantled his meal as a man prepares shrimp. Stripping the shell, twisting the legs off (a technique perfected, aged six, on his sister’s dolls) flaying any excess appendageof ingenuity. Holding still-wriggling aspirations between greasy thumb and forefinger, he chomped and sucked, masticating with relish as ambition squirmed between his lips. Finally, Hayze bit off the head (a sight to make Goya proud) slurping up any latent juices of genius. Taking breaks between mouthfuls, he quaffed from the tumbler, lubricating his throat as it stretched to force down more and more. His toes wriggled over the ice, the soles of his feet already giving off heat. So much filth, so much wrongness, sweet-tasting, alluring. Ideas oily with impropriety, but so rich. Restaurants could keep their fatty steaks and caviar. There was no treat more luscious than other people’s dreams. Patting his stomach, Officer Hayze cast an appreciative look over the mutilated carcasses of literature, belching and licking his fingers clean of bloody spunk from another batch of neutered art. Of course, sometimes the menu would call for a chargrilled recipe: was it not Dostoyevsky (why yes, Hayze knew his classics) who had said ‘manuscripts don’t burn?’ A hypothesis the Bureau had eagerly put to the test. Many evenings the stench of gasoline followed in Hayze’s wake like an alley-cat.

    He yawned. The business of dream-crushing was gruelling work, especially in the oven-baked hell of Hayze’s study. Therefore, the machine of state ensured that he would never be deprived of his refrigerated treasure chests. Hayze would have delegated such a task to his wife, Mary Elise, but she spent most of her days with her book club, The Ladies Against Indecorous Storytelling, a cohort of patriotic prudes staunchly opposed to the influence of pornographic material on Veritas’s culture. This (logically) required them to appraise every piece of underground erotica they could find. The average session of the LAIS looked like a row of STOP signs flicking through the pages of the latest scandal. Round, red faces vibrating in condemnation as steam wafted from their pastel, Easter-egg-shell dyed dresses. Mary Elise had adopted this paradoxical strategy through observation of her husband’s working process, and the presence of ice was much appreciated in these circumstances.                                          

    Ever the eager loyalist, Hayze had long ago realized that only someone expertly familiar with the traitorous garbage he was tasked with destroying could efficiently sniff it out. Thus, the Hayze office boasted the most impressive collection of subversive literature on the island. Dissatisfied with merely examining and discarding the contents of the art under trial, he had wrenched the pages from their leatherbound spines to add to his personal stockpile. His study was laminated with layer upon layer of sedition heaped so heavily upon one other that Hayze’s roof was held up by the thoughts of rebels and radicals.

    Hayze sighed and thrust his feet into the plastic ice-tub. This inverse sauna stemmed the flush of rage and shame that had, in the past, threatened to spurt from his fingertips in licks of flame. Steam whistled, supernova hot, from Hayze’s ears, singeing his stiff blonde hair. Trembling, he reached for a glass and gulped down the necessary condensation to restore the revolutionary fluctuations of his biology to a conformist temperature. Peeling his soggy clothes off and wiping puckered lips with one hand, Joseph Hayze slipped into the cool silk of the robe that hung over his door like a moulted husk. A brisk knot around his midriff kept the swell of his freshly stuffed gut in place.                                                   

    The little bell outside of his study rang suddenly. Hayze raised an eyebrow, shaking his dripping feet as he slithered into a pair of slippers, padding over to the door and exiting the muggy room. He was not expecting more guests. Mary Elise had retired to the boudoir earlier, escorted by two maids, after this week’s critique of The Bosomed Bride of Venice had proved too overpowering in its description of Duke Polidori’s muscled calves. Grumbling in the fashion that only a man who has purposefully chosen to overwork himself can, he shuffled down the corridor and descended the stairs, trailing droplets behind him like an incontinent child.

    His expression changed from lethargy to surprise as he pattered towards the living room and saw the men waiting on the couch. Hayze’s aesthetic style was spartan enough to make even Leonidas look hedonistic, so the two figures in their khaki shirts and black brogues were encircled by a sea of white porcelain, wood panelling and grey furniture. A picture of Hayze and his wife on their wedding day was one of two pieces of decoration on the wall. It was eclipsed by a far larger portrait of Hayze in his Bureau Uniform. Appropriately dwarfed in comparison, Officers Paul Surdis and Alfred Aveugle were sharing lemonade, the latter tucking into a sundae as one of Hayze’s maids skittered away with the gutted ice-cream carton. The door to the house was open, another maid standing beside it. Hayze caught a glimpse of two black limousines in the driveway, huddled like dung-beetles against the gravel. With a curt flick he dismissed the maids, sending them retreating into the kitchen and behind the safety of a slammed door.       

    Aveugle didn’t notice. The smug bastard had taken the liberty of switching Hayze’s television set on. Hayze recognized one of the Bureau’s Special Access channels, the kind kept away from the public. A square-jawed actor in a tuxedo was machine-gunning a wave of goons. A woman clung to his arm, clad in a bathing-suit apparently fashioned from three-strings and a napkin. Aveugle was chuckling to himself. Mouth drooping open as the fluorescent light flickered over his slack-jawed grin, his jowls inflated like ruddy boils as he gorged. Hayze stalked into sight, slippers whispering along the glittering tiles. Surdis jerked up, head tilting. Paul managed audio and music for the Bureau. Consequently, his eyes, deemed redundant for the task of navigating the airwaves, had crinkled like baked raisins. He had compensated for this sensory deprivation by developing two whoppingly elephantine ears, fleshy butterfly wings that quivered as they picked up nearby vibrations. The overall effect gave one the impression that Officer Surdis’ head could be lifted by the handles.     

    ‘Joe! Sorry to drop in on you so suddenly-we knew you might still be working, so we went ahead and let ourselves in. You have such a diligent staff, they helped us with, ha ha, plundering your refrigerator. I’m sure it’s all right-No harm, no foul, after all. Mis casas son vuestro casas, no?’                            

    ‘No harm at all, Paul,’ said Hayze, mentally popping Surdis’ lopsided cranium off his trembling neck. The ‘diligent staff’ would need to be decimated after this little surprise. Hayze flashed his co-workers a grin. It was as though his lips were trying to avoid being seen next to his teeth.                              

    ‘What brings you around my neck of the woods, gentlemen?’-Aveugle did not look up, corneas still stapled to the TV- so Hayze continued: ‘Do you perhaps seek some knowledge from this pantheon, wish to employ the resources of my sanctus sanctorum literaribus?’ After the humiliation of having been caught unawares, Hayze took pleasure in the vacant expression that settled over Surdis’ face. The dolt could barely string together a Spanish cliché. No wonder Latin confounded him. Yet what to expect from a man exposed daily to showtunes and (God almighty) ‘rocking roll’ music?                                                  

     A flicker of resentment rippled over Surdis’ bullet-point pupils. It was not so much that the heads of the Bureau disliked each other, but that they had clawed their way to the top with the instinctual greed of children vying for the top of the playground slides. Sooner or later, they all knew, someone would have to eat a mouthful of sand.          

    ‘Very kind of you Joe, but there’s no need. I really can’t stay long. You know how it is-no rest for the wicked. The FF debuts next Monday,’ rallied Surdis, ears trembling with pride. The FF, or Fetid Forty-Three, was Surdis’ list of the Prime Musical Offenders destined for the cell or the bullet. His roll call included overly aggressive ‘rocker’ (or whatever) musicians, jazz bands and several nursery rhyme composers. The brunt of Surdis’ vitriol had fallen on a children’s ditty titled My Mummy Has a Very Big Bottom (disgusting, borderline incestuous!). Though the list had yet to debut officially, Surdis had purposefully leaked sections to the public as part of Bureau scare-tactics. A fortnight ago, three local musicians had been found swinging from a beam.    

    ‘I’m nearly up to one hundred points,’ said Surdis, rocking on his heels in satisfaction. ‘Can you believe it? Triple digits! I might even hit one-fifty when the FF goes official! You’ll have to work overtime to catch up Alfie,’ he snickered. Aveugle grunted. The Bureau heads ran an unofficial scoreboard: ‘breaking’ a creative into subservience racked up respectable points, incarcerations were worth double, executions triple. Getting a subversive to off themselves was the jackpot. Hayze paid Surdis’ crowing no mind. He was well ahead of his compatriots on the B.A.C leaderboard. Frederick Grace’s more recent termination had pushed him into the three-hundreds. 

    ‘Enough about the goddamned Fetid Forty-Three,’ rumbled Aveugle. The T.V shut off as he squashed the remote, his appetite sated. Hayze recognized the tell-tale stiffening of clothes drawn taut around a heaving stomach. ‘If have to hear about your goddamn list one more time my brains are gonna burst out of my nose.’                   

    Alfred Aveugle had changed considerably after he started running the Bureau’s Televisual and Cinematic Department. Before, he had been a wisp of a man, his voice a reedy distortion and his countenance as colourless as old greyscale film reels. Veritas’s transition to Technicolour seemed to have done wonders for his disposition: Aveugle had bloated in tandem with the budgets of the productions he oversaw. His latest flick, Onward! Onward Golden-Haired Cherubs of Justice Against the Enemies of Truth and Beauty! had nearly bankrupted the country, though this hadn’t dampened his energy in the slightest.                                     

    Hayze cleared his throat. ‘There’s no need for profanity, my friend. Maybe ease up on the booze too, it’s not even noon,’ he added, nose crinkling.  Aveugle ignored him. The man reeked. Veritas heavily policed alcohol consumption, but such strictures did not apply to Bureau Officers. Hayze liked a stiff drink as much as the common man (and the common man had to settle for Citizen-approved watery cider), but Aveugle took it too far. The liquor he guzzled had fused with his biology in a bizarre alchemical process, transubstantiating red blood into imported Scotch. He twitched incessantly; Alfred Aveugle was something of a man possessed, literally filled with spirits.   

     Hayze made an impatient clicking noise with his tongue. ‘Well, as intriguing as all this may be, I don’t see why this pow-wow you’ve decided to organize can’t wait until Monday. If that’s the only reason you’re here…. Surdis, you’re the one who keeps nattering on about how busy you are. You’ve enjoyed some lemonade and my dessert, which about covers hospitality, so let’s wrap up this up.’                

    ‘Ah, right, sorry Joe, it almost slipped my mind. Ordinarily we would have waited for the next Bureau meeting, handled this with the proper channels, involved everyone’-                                                   

     ‘No point sticking it out for that goddamn long,’ Alfred chimed in, ‘getting all five of us together is like herding goddamn cats, Oliver and Phil are with the diplomatic party visiting the goddamn frog-eaters’- 

    Be that as it may, gentlemen, if we could return to addressing the point of your visit?’             

    ‘Sorry Joe, right you are,’ Surdis twittered. ‘Well, you see, it’s probably nothing, not even worth getting worked up about, but since you were involved so heavily in the matter, we believed you had a right to know…’                                                                                                           

    ‘Involved in what? Know what? Get to the point,’ snapped Hayze, swishing his robe-sleeves with imperatorial pomposity. In the truest spirit of radio, Surdis enjoyed the sound of his own voice too much. Alfred beat him to the punch: ‘It’s about Frederick Grace.’

    Hayze snorted. Nevertheless, his lumpy fingers had tightened into balls, curling in on themselves like a dead spider.

    ‘That hack? He’s been dead for ages. I was there when they blew his skull onto the prison-yard wall. Even the contents of his brain were dull. How is this still a problem? I trashed the last vestige of his legacy before the engines on your limos had started to cool. What’s his ghost dredging up now, another underground memorial service? More illegal reprints cropping up? Bellyaching from journalists? All that fuss for some brat, Socrates and Alcibiades was trash and we all know it! They only gave it the Nobel to discredit the Republic!’ Hayze’s clipped tones were shifting into guttural snarls, the edges of his mouth crinkling as venom lathered his tongue.

     Surdis and Aveugle exchanged sneers. The reviews for Grace’s first novella had been printed overseas at the same time as the ones for Hayze’s Chrysanthemums. Hayze had ensured that all those involved in local print that so much as mentioned their two names in conjunction were either in chains or body-bags. This had not seemed to daunt his nemesis. Most shocking of all, it was only until he had met Grace face-to-face that his nefarious foe had even seemed to be aware of his existence! Him! Joseph Hayze!  Yet still the miserable twerp had antagonized him, snatching the Nobel nomination out of his jaws (by cheating, no doubt, no-one that young had ever been nominated, Grace had friends everywhere, foreign spies, saboteurs, of course, what else could explain his stellar reputation outside of Veritas?) Unsurprisingly, Grace had not been allowed to accept the prize. Hayze had devised a more appropriate awards ceremony. A month later, Frederick Grace was bestowed the greatest honour Veritas could give an unconventional mind: a lump of lead through his right eye.                                                      

    ‘He couldn’t even come up with some decent last words,’ spat Hayze, marching over to the lemonade. ‘The final hour comes and what does he muster? Nothing! Nothing but silence, you’d think he’d have jumped at the chance to throw us a bone, one last parting shot!’ Just thinking about Grace was making sparks sneeze from his nostrils, the hair on his nape curling as his neck grew cherry-red. He threw back a hearty splash of the drink. ‘There’s your ‘soul of the age’ for you.’ He stopped as he noticed the glance that travelled between his two guests. ‘What? What is it?’                                                                                               

    ‘Those weren’t his last words.’                                                                               

    ‘How do you mean? I was sitting in the front row whilst you were pushing paper in your office Surdis, don’t presume to lecture me.’ Surdis cringed back: Hayze’s eyes were moving manically in his head as if they had been borrowed from somebody else.

      ‘He left a goddamn note,’ said Aveugle, slapping down his flask with a thud. ‘It turned up yesterday, the goddamn kid had hidden it in his cell before the execution.’                                                                      

    ‘So? That’s why you disturb me?’ Hayze bristled; his blond-locks puffed around his head like the hood of a cobra. ‘This had better be important. I’ve devoured everything he ever wrote; whatever crumbs are left will barely support me until dinner. What’s it contain? Coordinates for buried treasure?  His last will and testament?’                                                              

    ‘Well…. no.’ Surdis sighed. ‘Look, see for yourself-come on Alfie.’                              

    Huffing and wheezing, Aveugle extricated himself from the boa-constrictor embrace of the couch cushions. He staggered toward Hayze, handing him a ratty piece of paper, which Hayze unfolded. His eyebrow arched. No ink had been provided for Grace in his cell. The man had resorted to his own blood. An experimental writer to the end…how trite. The paper bore a simple inscription in a crabbed scrawl that had crusted over:

    ‘Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes?’                                                        

    ‘How cute, very intellectual,’ said Hayze. ‘This is bog-standard stuff gentlemen, a typical attempt to denounce us as hypocrites.’  

    ‘Who watches the watchmen, right?’ said Aveugle. Hayze pursed his lips. He had just been about to school his philistine coworkers in Latin. Whatever. Aveugle had probably learned that from a movie.                

    ‘Yes, indeed, who brings the deliverers of justice to justice, so on so forth.’ He yawned and turned the paper around. There was a second inscription. A decidedly blunter aphorism was scribbled on the back. It was uncharacteristically crude for someone like Grace, petty in a way Hayze had only encountered in the schoolyard. The sort of hollow taunt best accompanied by a raspberry and a stuck-out tongue. Grace’s blood was mashed into spiky, scratchy letters. One could almost imagine him smearing it into existence, teeth gritted, muscles standing like ropes in his neck.

    WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND.

    Below the words, the amateur artist had doodled a snake curled into a circle, fanged mouth closed around its own tail. An ouroboros. Grace had routinely used it as a metaphor for his addiction. Hayze couldn’t keep himself from rolling his eyes.

    ‘Fascinating. Some kind of threat, I suppose. A warning from beyond the grave? Do I need to start locking my bedroom door?’ 

     ‘Well, we can certainly try to inform the Intelligence Bureau,’ said Surdis. ‘It could be a sign of another subversive movement, a hint at some kind of gang looking for revenge. Wouldn’t be the first time…’                                                                                                                           

    ‘Frederick Grace? Part of a militant group?’ snickered Hayze. ‘The most he could muster were long-haired university students and wall-eyed bookworms.’                                                                            

      ‘You’re pretty goddamn cavalier about it.’ Aveugle had collapsed back onto the nearest pillow. ‘Considering you’re the goddamn guy who signed his death warrant.’                                                     

    ‘Really gents, I appreciate the concern, I really do, but this comes with the territory! Death threats are nothing new to us Bureau men.’ He crumpled up the paper and tossed it toward the nearest wastepaper basket. It bounced off the rim and fell onto the polished floor. ‘This is nothing more than the infantile, impotent last gasp of a fraud who couldn’t accept that he was finally getting his just deserts!’ Yet even as he said it, he could feel a feverish prickle spread in a wave down his spine. The bruised face of the young man as they hauled him up against the wall jumped suddenly in Hayze’s memory. Grace’s one good eye, the other a throbbing mass of swollen flesh, courtesy of the guards, sparking even in the miserable grey of the early morning.          He licked dry lips. The droplets of lemonade had evaporated. The snake, devouring itself, a gory circle carved with brittle fingers and ragged fingernails, hovered in front of his eyes for a second. He must have paled a little because Surdis and Aveugle were both looking at him strangely.

    Gritting his teeth, Hayze clenched his fist behind his back. ‘I’m thankful for the consideration, and I’m sorry you wasted your time coming here. This kind of thing is the stuff of the past-the Republic moves ever forward gentlemen, ever forward! Unity and Prosperity is our motto after all.’ He tightened his robe-belt, garrotting the sash as if wishing to throttle the conversation then and there. ‘I’ll give the lads at Intelligence a call tomorrow morning if it makes you feel any better, but really, there’s nothing to this. We’re all just letting too much work and too much sun scramble our brains! Take the next couple of days off, leave the grunt work to the grunts. We’ll open the pool this weekend, I’ll tell Mary Elise to ring your wives.’                                                          

    As he was saying all of this, Hayze insistently funnelled the two men out from the living room and toward the door and the driveway, where their chauffeurs were napping inside the Bureau-issue limousines. His head was starting to smart. Surdis’ insincere chirps of thanks and Aveugle’s basso profanity-laden goodbyes were not helping. Goddamn it indeed, he just wanted to lie down. Not in the living room, he’d tell the maid to sweep up that disgusting note as soon as possible (he could fire her tomorrow) then order some lemon-ice to cool him down. Was he coming down with a fever? Nonsense, overwork, just as he’d told his comrades, overwork was the key. He’d send for some more ice first thing in the morning.

    Early next day, despite a night spent thrashing restlessly above the covers, Joseph Hayze felt like a man renewed. The pounding in his temple had packed up its pain into a bindle and left for greener pastures, no-longer exacerbated by having to suffer his idiot co-workers. Whistling tunelessly to himself, Hayze went about preparing his study. The relevant files were shuffled onto his desk. A new ice-tub, pot of coffee, glass of water, and a carafe of port had been topped up. His fountain pen, polished to a righteous gleam, stood to attention in its inkwell like a blade thrust through an anvil.

     Hayze massaged his midriff self-consciously. At this rate, he would have to drop by a tailor. When he stood perpendicular to the bathroom mirror, he looked like a lowercase ‘b.’ Today he would ease up a bit, limit himself to a few choice snacks. He wasn’t champing at the bit to exhaust himself either. A calloused bump on his first knuckle dug at the corner of his eye. The pesky thing was twitching sporadically like an oyster speckled by a lemon. Before he sat down, Hayze placed the needle of his record-player onto the vinyl disk nestled within the case beside his desk. It had been a birthday gift from Surdis, who, as much as it pained Hayze to admit, could often have a pretty good ear for this sort of thing. Georges Bizet’s Carmen. A peccadillo: the Veritas Opera house no longer played anything from Bizet to Puccini and was currently repurposed as a landfill.

    Hayze started by reading through the first document of the day: a lyrical anthology by a rural poetess. It was decent stuff, filled with praise for the glories of peasants doing their part for the homeland and such. Hayze’s eyes narrowed. The anthology was thematically connected via continued reference to the poetess’s one true love, which was all fine and good, except she had refused to specify the subject’s gender…fingers touch the hollow ‘neath your breast/and find no missing rib… how easily a wolf pulled on the sheep’s clothing!  

    Hayze writhed in his seat as a swell of warmth blossomed on his forehead. Indecent, most indecent. His tongue flickered over his lips like a windscreen wiper, feeling the hot prickle intensify. What a toothsome choice to begin with…he felt a twist of the same sickly guilt that used to overpower him when he snuck chocolate from the cupboard as a kid for ‘breakfast.’ The sharp shock of ice at his heels brought him back to his senses. A pity, but no huge loss. The entire forbidden romance throughline would have to be obliterated but the work could be printed as a quaint collection of banal, nationalistic nature poems. Hayze plucked the offending pages from their binding for his personal storage and tacked a note to the file: INTELLIGENCE BUREAU-PERSONAL LIFE OF CITIZEN SHOULD BE FURTHER INVESTIGATED.                                                                                                               

    He yawned, jaw stretching on its hinges, flicking through the sheafs of sapphic pining. His eye spasmed, his cheeks glowing. The tepid fumbling between Hayze and his own spouse in the bedroom paled in comparison to this…passion. Raindrops of saliva coated the page as Hayze’s belly rumbled. The music swelled in the background. Except-hold on-that was odd. Hayze paused.        

    The record was playing the Habanera-if you could call it playing. Hayze could not quite explain it accurately, but it was as if large and frequent gaps had been punched into the music. Hayze got up, lifted the needle, and let it play again. The song resumed, but again, only choice snatches of words reached Hayze’s ears: l’oisea, l’amour, tout. It was not that the song was garbled or skipping ahead. Entire lyrics had been replaced with a kind of non-noise, as if cotton wool was being clamped over his ears. He inserted a finger, cleared out some earwax, smeared it onto the underside of his desk. Still no change.              

    Hayze started the record up again, mouthing along, translating in his head: ‘Love is a rebellious bird/That nobody can tame (….) Love is a gypsy’s child/It has never, ever known law….’ Where warbling vocals should have rung out, clear as crystal, there was only that pervasive nothingness. It was a feeling rather like having one’s head thrust momentarily under water.

    Some kind of prank? Impossible-Surdis’ present had worked perfectly up until today. Ever the inquisitor, Hayze probed at the silenced lyrics. There was something about their specific absence that nagged at him, like a tongue flickering back again and again to the hole where a tooth should be. Rebellious bird…. untamed…gypsy’s child…. never known law…. a nervous chuckle escaped Hayze. They were deviant lyrics, anathema to Republic ideology. A different sent of words sprang abruptly to mind, leaping out at him with the speed and sudden violence of a mugger:

                                           WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.                                                                                         

    He slammed the lid of the record-player down so hard the table shook. Ridiculous! Ridiculous, absolute insanity! He was letting Frederick Grace’s miserable final threat get to him, playing right into that fraudster’s hands. His vision warped, a shadow blossoming momentarily over his field of view. A spiral vortex, a whirlpool twisted in on itself. He bumped painfully against his desk, blinking furiously. A dusty croak rustled from his throat. A drink, he needed a drink, a cool drink. Hayze reached for the carafe of port and poured himself a glass. He raised it. His eyes bulged.                                                                      

    One moment the glass had been about to touch his lips. The next second, it was back on the desk, the volume of liquid slightly diminished. Hayze stared. It was as if the middle of the three successive actions, lift drink-enjoy drink-put drink down, had been cut from…from reality itself. The port glass was emptier. Surely this meant that Hayze had drunk some, but it was as if it had never happened. It was a trick he had seen time and time again after Aveugle’s department finished trimming a movie: characters were allowed to pour or hold a bottle, but the minute they went in for a taste-cut-the footage would jump forward jerkily, eating up that precious second of inappropriate behaviour.                                      

    A sick feeling mounting steadily in his stomach, Hayze scrabbled at his desk drawer, pulling out a mouldering cigar.  He hadn’t smoked the things in ages, but just to be sure…where were the matches, matches, come on, matches-there! It took Hayze four tries to light a match, and two to clamp the cigar between his teeth. He moved the weak orange flame toward the cheroot. He blinked. The cigar was no longer in his mouth, but between his fingers. A cloud of blue smoke languished in the air. Hayze yelped and dropped the tobacco. It skittered across the carpet. His stomach heaved, and with a moan he leaned over his waste-paper basket to retch. He blinked. The contents of the bin were a strange, fuzzy distortion. Not that Joseph Hayze had ever been especially interested in examining his own vomit, but now he only registered an odd, greyish gap where the indecorous spectacle should have been.                                                    

    He moaned, clutching his abdomen. The first tentative bites of hunger were starting to gnaw at him. Hayze jumped to his feet, steadying himself on the edge of the desk, eyes roaming manically around the contents of his office. A low, canine whining had begun to whistle from between his jaws. The whole room was an unfocused blur. The pages and pages of banned literature were illegible. No matter how hard Hayze concentrated all he could pick out were choice, individual harmless pieces, but the greater whole was impenetrable. Angry, thick tar-black bars followed Hayze’s line of sight relentlessly, settling over the titles of manuscripts, the forewords of poems, deleting the innards of pamphlets and monographs. Hayze tore through a blizzard of pages but nothing, nothing. Sable worms infested every inch of paper, entire masterworks he had sequestered from the public supernaturally prohibited.                    

    A cry of outrage punched through his teeth. His precious storehouse, his pantry of dreams! Impossible, all of this was impossible…. he had been drugged, spiked, hypnotized, bombarded by radio-waves from an enemy satellite…cursed. Hayze shivered violently, clamping his hands around his chest. The dreaded heat he sought to temper daily was leeching out of him in shimmering waves, his puffy, scorched flesh settling into a cheesy white. A fishhook pulled up in his gut. Hayze rubbed at his eyes until white fireworks burst in spotty chunks inside his skull. When he opened them, red and raw, nothing had changed. The one thing he could see clearly, was Frederick Grace’s face, his bloody lips forming one last, painful smile.

    A paralyzing wave of suspicion crackled down Hayze’s spine. Hyperventilating, he grabbed his personal copy of Chrysanthemums from the top drawer of his desk. He spread it open like an autopsy, so fast that the pages tore. His fingers shook as glacial shivers set in, mouth opening and closing uselessly, a baby bird begging for scraps, as he sought in vain the deplorable warmth of a dream, just one, a granule of taboo, an iota of immorality, ANYTHING, JUST ANYTHING.

    Joseph Hayze began to laugh mirthlessly, a guttural kh-kh-kh. He could read every word of his own novel without a hitch.

    The next few days were the closest Hayze had ever come to experiencing hell. Through trial and error, he had discovered the sheer scale of his horrifying affliction. If he turned on the radio to any channel other than the ones prescribed by the Republic, if he played any vinyl apart from those sanctioned by the Bureau, he would be greeted by the now hideously familiar absence of sound, murderously smothering all deviant expression. Art was out of the question as well. Naked bodies, blood, weapons, any suggestion of violence, even abstract or Dadaist works would be wiped out by the ever-present black bars.     

    That morning Hayze had cut himself with his razor only for grey, colourless blood to pump out in a thin trickle. Where it stained the porcelain, the gore was rapidly replaced with a black rectangle. Before, he would have sworn, but language had not been overlooked by the omnipotent wrath of Grace’s curse. If he tried to utter any mildly off-colour word all that emerged from his lips was a high-pitched beep like the whine of a dead radio station. The most unpleasant shock of all had been when he stripped off to take a shower. He washed four or five times a day now, his blistered back ravaged by the scalding heat of the water. It didn’t matter. The cold endured, surviving a woollen avalanche of scarves and jumpers. He found himself blundering through the empty corridors of his villa, a ghost trailing mittens and mufflers instead of chains, a wake of feverish slime stretching behind him.                                                                                         

    Observing his nude body in the mirror above his sink, he almost passed out, vivisected by the bare lightbulb of the bathroom. Hayze flesh was a soft-boiled, chalky and pale, laced with purple veins that wriggled like nightcrawlers. The skin had constricted around his bones, the vacuum-seal of starvation transforming his skeleton into a mess of protruding ribs and collarbones. Hayze’s stomach had deflated, limp and withered, a newspaper on wet pavement. Where his penis should have been, there was now a black bar. He avoided Mary Elise as much as possible. He was certain that if they were ever to make love it would simply…skip ahead. They were sleeping in two separate beds now, despite sharing the same room. 

    Hayze collapsed onto the floor, crumpling into himself like a candy-wrapper. Should he welcome unconsciousness? To sleep, perchance to…God no. Please no. The worst were the dreams. His flaccid belly mustered a weak moan. No matter how many plates of food he gobbled down, it was not enough, his meals tasteless, frozen hunks in his mouth. Hayze closed his eyes.  He could try and visualize the buffet of inventiveness he was used to feasting on, his mouth leaking as his yowling appetite recalled succulent towers of creativity waiting to be picked clean. Yet after a career of snatching them out of the hands of aspiring artists, Hayze had been left with nothing. The trove of hoarded brilliance he once slept on like a firedrake of legend had been spirited away by an invisible thief in the night. Morpheus had come to collect his credit. With bleeping interest. Hayze’s nights were a midnight-screening of colourless static. He would wake up in an icebox, sheets stiff with frosted perspiration.

    After some time, Hayze managed to get to his feet, dragging himself back to his study. His nakedness did not bother him: Grace’s final wish probably ensured that any potential voyeur would be spared such lewd sights. The brass plaque above his door was dented from where a fist had crashed against the emblazoned shield of the Bureau of Acceptable Consumption. Hayze’s knobbly knuckles bore the black-bar scars of that particular tantrum.

     Even at this stage, he couldn’t bring himself to inform any of his Republic superiors. He had tried to dial the Intelligence Bureau Headquarters, screaming down the phone about sabotage, spies, assassins, but the receiver had only gurgled out muddled incoherence. Whatever the Bureau had replied had also been omitted from existence. He hadn’t dared call again. Veritas’s stooges could sight a weak link in the chain of authority with an efficiency that made hawks look like moles. A padded cell would be his reward, if he was lucky. A cigarette and a blindfold if not. No, he had to accept the truth, difficult as it was to believe.

     His entire life had been censored.

    A day later, the phone rang off the hook. It was Alfred Aveugle. They needed to talk-now. Or at least that’s what it had sounded like through a morse-code cacophony of bleeps and beeps. Hayze met him once more in the living room, hand covering his brow. He sported dark circles under each eye and a furred parka formed a camel’s-hump over Hayze’s back. He was massaging his lumpy hand incessantly, a nervous tic developed as a response to the shivers. It had taken him almost five-minutes to undo the locks installed on the front-door by his amateurish craftsmanship.              

    Some small solace could be found in realizing that as haggard as he must have appeared, Aveugle looked worse, huddled opposite him on the couch, curled up like a wilted piece of chewing-gum stuck to a lamppost. Alfred’s suit had collapsed over his frame. He’d lost weight, and fast. He no longer stank so pungently of alcohol either. His tongue ran repeatedly over his lips. Alfred was twitching, his face bobbing from side to side in a motion Hayze had become intimately familiar with. Hayze reached over for the T.V remote and switched on his set. It fizzed to life, showing a squat black square swinging a black bar at hordes of goblins, gouts of fuzzy, colourless blood flying all over the screen. Instantly, Alfred’s head snapped in the direction of the glowing screen, mouth slobbering open. He fell, actually fell to his knees in front of the set, pawing at the light and gibbering. Hayze had seen starving dogs leap on a bone with less desperation. With a wail of disappointment, Aveugle jerked back from the T.V, blinking furiously. Hayze clicked to the next Bureau Access channel, sighing as a rectangle gyrated sensuously around a metal pole. Aveugle moaned, slumping away from the T.V. He crawled back onto the couch, the squeak of his body hauling itself up the upholstery undercut by the growl from his stomach. Hayze turned the television off.

      ‘You as well, huh,’ said Hayze. He was too tired to even relish the pathetic display. Aveugle looked like he was on the verge of tears. His entire being was spasming, loose skin shifting like blancmange as he jittered. Add a wet sponge and a gag and he could have been riding the lightning in a Veritas execution chamber.      

    ‘You’re bleeping right me as well, the whole bleeping lot of us are like this, it’s a bleeping bleep-show,’ he moaned, his words punctuated by the garbled drone that effaced his profanity. ‘What is it, Joe? Some experimental foreign weapon? A drug from some rebel-group? What the beep is happening to us?’ Operating on instinct, Aveugle’s hand darted to his flask. Hayze saw reality jump ahead, and then the flask was back on his belt, a trickle of whiskey on his chin the only indication that anything had happened. Aveugle let out a strangled groan.                                                                                                   

    ‘Look at it this way,’ said Hayze, kicking the coffee table with loathing. ‘It’s one way of ditching a bad habit.’

     ‘That’s not bleeping funny Joe.’

    ‘What else can we do, Alfred?’                                                                                 

     ‘We…we can go to Intelligence; they’ll be able to root out the culprit.’                            

    ‘The culprit is dead, Alfred. Unless you want to be cut up by Republic sawbones, I suggest you keep this to yourself.’  

    ‘The culprit? The culprit? You mean you know who’s behind this?’    

    ‘Come on Alfred, haven’t you put it together? It was you and Surdis who told me about it first. WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND, remember?’                                                                        

    ‘You-you don’t possibly think that was serious, Joe. It was words on a page.’               

    ‘Alfred, my bleeping c—ck is a black bar,’ snarled Hayze, his fingernails clawing chunks at his armrest. ‘We passed just words on a page a long time ago. Where is Surdis anyway? It was you and that Dumbo that dragged this to my doorstep in the first place. The least he could do is show his face.’                         

     ‘Surdis…Surdis cracked first Joe. I mean, it was his job to control music, and all he was getting was…. nothing. It was like waking up one morning and realizing you were deaf. They carted him away to a bleeping rehabilitation centre yesterday. His ears…. like bleeping slugs after you pour salt over them Joe…He kept screaming that he couldn’t hear anything. Just nothing. Nothing all the time.’                     

    ‘We’re down to four.’ 

    ‘Not for long,’ added Aveugle, a dark look clouding his face.  

    ‘Well, I don’t know about you Alfred, but I trust I can hold out longer than a guy like Paul Surdis,’ said Hayze. He didn’t even believe his own boast.                                                                           

    ‘That’s not what I meant, Joe. We have more than…this to worry about.’                                  

    ‘What the bleep are you on about?’   

    ‘Right. You haven’t kept up with the news lately, you’ve been walled up in here. They’re changing things around Joe, a shift in management. The central parliament’s been split into factions.’

    ‘Meaning….?’     

    ‘Meaning our lot, the Old Guard, are on its way out, ready to join the bleepingT. Rex. It’s only a matter of time-they’ve got a bunch of kids lining up for our jobs. They’re saying it’s time for some fresh blood, time to pack the veterans away. We’re fossilized they said.’ 

    ‘You can’t be serious.’   

    ‘Dead serious. Beep…we’ll be tilling fields by the end of the week. If we’re lucky. There’re rumours of a purge. Surdis breaking down will probably make them pounce sooner. Blood in the bleeping water.’ 

    A snake, stretching its pink mouth wide, fangs piercing, its body enveloping, round and round, a mandala, a wheel, branded itself in Hayze’s skull like the burn of a cigarette lighter. The air outside was rippling with heat like laundry hung out to dry, but it might as well have been a blizzard. This wasn’t the feverish chill of his affliction, the absence of warmth. It seeped past frayed nerves and goose-prickled skin, transcended aching bones and chattering teeth until it shrivelled the soul.                                

    For the first time in his life, he felt truly cold.  

    ‘So…that’s it then?’                                                                               

    Alfred pulled something out of his pocket and passed it to Hayze. It was a photograph of the five Bureau heads in their office, ramrod straight and glowering proudly in their starched ceremonial uniforms. No, the four Bureau heads. Surdis was missing, as if the celluloid had reached out and devoured him whole, slipping over the image of a man and replacing it with a gaping, empty space.                        

    What must it have felt like? Did it feel like anything? Maybe it was rough and painful, the brutal scrape of a child’s eraser on a pencil-drawing. Maybe it was just…quiet, like a body pushed beneath the water at midnight, swallowed up by waves of ink. Already, Surdis’ face was smudging in Hayze’s memory, his black hair (black? Or maybe a dark brown?) and blue (no, that couldn’t be right, they were pale green) eyes slipping away. It was like trying to think of an entirely new colour.                                        

    It was not that Surdis had ceased to exist. No, it was like he had never even existed in the first place. Like ideas before they were pulled from the heads and hearts of men and made real. Hayze stared at the picture for a while. Stared at his miniature self, imagining that doll’s frame crumbling on the heap of dreams he had spent so long cultivating. It was a while before he spoke. When he did, it seemed to come from a recording, played in too large a room, and from too far off.

    ‘What’s it like for you, Alfred?’  

    ‘Huh?’       

    ‘I get black bars. All over the place. How about you?’  

    ‘Oh. Oh uh…for me? It’s usually a sign, more like letters. Like someone shoved a billboard in your face.’     

    ‘Really. What’s it say?’     

    Fat tears were pouring down Aveugle’s face. They filled the air with the burning tang of liquor, Alfred’s alcoholic lifeblood oozing out of him like venom squeezed from a toad. Bitter tracks of amber bled down sagging jowls as his lips quivered. 

    ‘Restricted: Requires Accompanying Parent.’                                                   

    Hayze began to laugh, in earnest this time. It sounded like the snap of a mind when it breaks.

    Officer Joseph Hayze, formerly of the Bureau for Acceptable Consumption, was found dead inside his study on the eve of the transition of power from Chairman Victor Haldeman to the leader of the Bold New Tomorrow faction, James Stalwart. When his routine delivery of ice arrived at his summer home, they found Hayze’s wife, Mary Elise, sitting on the couch enjoying a cold drink and a novel entitled The Rugged Khan of The Great Steppe’s Harem. A blank picture frame loomed over her, next to a photograph of a lone bride. Mrs. Hayze did not seem especially interested in the proceedings. She informed the delivery men that her husband must be upstairs.

    Usually, the maids would have taken over from them, but the house was eerily silent. The only sound was the low humming of Mrs. Hayze and the murmur of pages turning. They trudged upstairs. One man shivered. Another sneezed. It was getting chilly as they advanced upwards. State of the art air-conditioning probably. Government men got all the best perks. The first courier left a film of his own skin on the doorknob, yelping as he tore his hand away from the metal. It took four tries from one of the burlier employees to kick the door open. When it finally collapsed in an explosion of icy shards, a wave of cold rushed out into the corridor, escaping like a beaten dog let off its leash.  

    The couriers advanced tentatively into the gloom, moving in unison, pressing up against one another as if expecting something to leap from the shadows, lions, tigers, bears, oh my. Their footsteps crunched on the frost-bitten carpet. Silver vapour from the steam of their mouths drifted in the air. One of the deliverymen blinked hurriedly, a crust of white icing forming on his eyelashes. Paper crackled in mounds across the floor, like trampling on the skin of moths.

    There was a shape in Hayze’s chair. For an instant, it had seemed to be part of the furniture itself, some bizarre, experimental form of interior design that was all rectangular protrusions mixed with sloping curves. A bulbous oval popped like a pustule from the headrest. On closer inspection, it was revealed to be a human corpse, straight-backed. A low whistle of admiration escaped one of the couriers. Even in death, the body was working, the very picture of diligence.

    One hand had fused into a claw around the armrest, fingers swollen into blue-black maggots burrowing into the wood. The other had imprisoned a pen in a brittle vice, stalactites of frozen ink hanging in ruby daggers from its nib, hovering over a page covered in scribbles. A more intrepid soul amongst the deliverymen approached tentatively, grimacing: the corpse was terribly emaciated, snowflakes piling up in miniature hillocks within the trench of its stomach.                                         

    He snuck a look at the thing’s face. Joseph Hayze’s eyes were stuck open, two protruding marbles rammed into his eroded sockets. Glassy mascara shot down his face from where his tears had hardened into splinters. Twin icicles jutted from his nostrils, giving the death-mask a morbid resemblance to a walrus. His mouth was open, lips purple, tongue a rigor-mortis stiff slab bristling with preserved droplets of drool. A perpetual yawn, sucking hungrily at the air.

    The courier risked a glance at the contents scattered on the desk, catching sight of sheafs of documents. Even through the frost, his curious eyes could pick out a few sentences. He fell back hurriedly. Rebellious, disruptive language, seditious sentences, anathema to the Glorious Republic! His compatriots had also picked up on this as they took in the grotesque office, drawing together into a loyalist huddle. This was the lair of a traitor! Probably a pervert too.

    The note that Hayze had written before his passing was reported and subsequently seized by the appropriate new Bureau authorities. The paper was swiftly surrounded, threatened at rifle-point and then escorted outside of the office at arms-length, clamped between tongs and shoved in a plastic bag to avoid its contents infecting the unwary. The deliverymen were later arrested and shot, just in case. The note made its way up the chain-of-command until it was deposited before President Stalwart. It read as follows:

    During my last moments I write these words so that those who live on in my stead can know the truth of my story, my sins, and my confession.

    In the many years that I have served our Glorious Republic, I fought for truth, for righteousness, for deliverance. I have not found it. All that I have inherited is the hunger, the hunger for a sincerity and an honesty that the polished parades and bleached halls of this island have obliterated. It is all gone, gone, wiped clean, lost. It will be erased, rewritten and obliterated forever, again and again, but with the strength of my pen and the power of my words I set down this declaration so that my conclusion may herald the beginning of change.                             

    Let the following tear down the usurper Stalwart, may it set the skeletons the Bureau has hid in the closet free, so that their rattling deafens you! I do not seek redemption, only for my truth to clang in your ears!                

    May you heed it with more dread than I did! May it lay bare that which I have hidden from those more deserving than I!

    Let my life’s work reveal what a career of lies never could:

    ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇

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    Signed,

    Officer ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇.

    The End.

  • Libera Nos

    Libera Nos

    A furore Normannorum libera nos, Domine.’

    Deliver us, oh Lord, from the fury of the Northmen.

    Feel the snow drift between the pine-needles, silken on the spear-thicket green. It brushes against weathered cheeks, moths with frosted wings that crumble into sweet-tasting tears of winter. They say the Fenris wolf was bound with twine, woven from impossible things. The breath of a fish; the spit of a bird; the tread of a cat.

    The roots of a mountain – can you hear them?

    They have faded. Swallowed up by the clatter of iron, the roar of the smith’s sparks scattering from the forge, the tolling bells from cattle moving in rivers of hoof and horn. Men squat by their doors and play dice. Their speech has grown gruel thin. It is full of the counting of silver and stinks of dreams left as an offering to mold.

    Stop. Can you hear them?

    They run under your feet. Mark the creeping lines as you trace the pale green that whispers beneath the skin. Feel the rhythm: boots stamping in the cold, steel hammering at flint. The fire quickens and draws in, out, hungry for the wind. The roots have seeped into the bones of the earth, echoes of bards’ tongues, mead-rich, which spoke of subtle things. 

    Close your eyes and imagine nothing. The frost is a girdle of blue iron, needling the flesh. Understand: there never was nothing. The world was birthed from the void, whilst the stars were hailstones, the hard black eyes of a withered man. Life was quickened with Surt’s ragged panting as he crafted a sword from the white ore of creation.

    Know it to be true. Have you not breathed down the neck of your beloved, and felt their heart race? Have you not snatched that breath, left them a shell of hollow clay? One can only destroy what was made. At the last twilight, that blade birthed from the sun’s rage will scour this middle-earth. I once heard a story that sounded the same from the men who carry God on their tongues in a wafer of bread. They are eager for the flames.

    The breath of this world has grown ragged. Wheezing, rasping, a grandmother on her deathbed, soul hanging in the air as pale mist. The old songs lose their strength. Quivering on sinews, strings of gut and cord, calling still. A mother stumbles through the forest, yelling for her boy. The night swallows up her grief and grows fat. They found the child’s body carved into a block of ice in the morning. His lungs were black where midnight claimed him. He died a swordless death and will endure an eternity without warmth, the prize of half-rotted Hela. I told this to the shaven man. He drinks the blood of a carpenter and a king from a wooden cup that smells of grapes.

    He laughed. No. Hel is for the wicked. The boy is in a better place now.

    The mother’s screams are echoed by the fathom-deep wail of the water. Can you see it? The waves spitting seafoam as Jörmungandr writhes. The hordes of ocean fury, swift as gulls, break on the shore. Once, I rode on the back of a dragon, cloaked in rings of iron. We flew across mountains of black glass that raged in concert with the wind. I stopped by the docks in my old age. All the dragons were gone– in their place, wooden barrels with painted heads. The work of a sorcerer. The shaven man speaks of a soothsayer who turned a rod into a snake. Such changes are possible. Now, a sea-serpent becomes a case of timber, bobbing in the harbor. It has been long since I gazed upon that water, since I walked along its beaches.

    Three winters past, a mighty ruler came to the shore. His robes of crimson faded as the salt sucked at the dye. He wore the sun, hammered out into a band around his head. Sitting upon a wooden chair, he said:

    Stop, Ocean, for your king commands you.

    Nothing stopped. And he was happy.

    Did you see him?

    The snow is thicker here. It cushions the hooves of horses. Their breath is steam, feeble in the air like a promise of first love. The brothers with the dirt-brown robes have cut down the rows of ash and elm, the weathered faces of spirits long forgotten. A horn rings out. Warriors returning? No. The groan of a great oak crashing to the forest floor. They build strange new homes out of their husks and place a man inside.

    Have you seen the statues on the walls? Smooth, rose things. Sanded down to the grain. There is love there, when you touch them. I looked into the face of my newborn and felt a comfort like this. I did not find it in the eyes of my father.

    There is pain here. The barbed touch of a strange crown spiked with thorns. It is different from the jutting stone, sword-tips that form the Aesir. The one-eyed Allfather. The Thunderer. Fertile Frigg, swift-footed Ullr. Wolf gods; raven gods; goat gods. They will die someday, at the last battle. Why? The slain that drink beneath the golden shields of the Hall of Heroes, they fight, they fall, they live again. In my youth, a spear took me through the leg. A healer poured boiling wine and maggots on me, to be renewed. The wound wept; my blood was wine.

    Ah. I think I understand.

    I do not think I want to come back. My fighting days are done. The winter is in me, even when the thaw comes. The wet aches in my bones. My leg drags; I stumble. I fear the bed-death. Only the wicked go to Hel, he said. Have I been wicked?

    My son killed his first man four moons ago, for stealing sheep. I buried the body. I am no stranger to slaughter-dealing. My son is different now; I no longer know him. I studied the corpse he made. It shall lie in the dark loam and become a feast. The grubs will gorge and mate. Their eggs hatch, mayfly lives, die, born again, die, return. Is this Valhalla? The roof and walls of its mead-hall thatched with yellow ribs and rotting guts, an empty flesh-chest. Inside, the worms are ravenous. They will devour each other with no end, until the Doom of the World. It is all they will ever do or ever will be.

    It is damp. It is cold. No woman heats my bed anymore. She died; the sickness took her. I wake up sobbing clear pus.

    Where is the fire that can warm me again? Where is the face of my father?

    The man on the walls is hurt. They have wrought some grievous wound on him.


    The End

  • A Song for Laika

    A Song for Laika

    A while ago, as we stood outside the terrace of a bar in Madrid, a friend asked me suddenly: out of all of God’s creatures who ever lived or walked this earth, which do you pity most? My answer, spoken over an overpriced cocktail, ice-cubes melting in the dry Spanish night, was a Russian mongrel terrier. Her name was Laika, and I was not lying. Scoff at me all you like (he certainly did) but I will not budge. My heart goes out to the sad creature plucked from the streets of Moscow and sent to a cold grave in a steel coffin, tracing lazy circles around the globe.

    I have seen the postcards, cartoons, the granulated photographs. A little white-and-brown face, ears bent at the tips like the folded corners of a book’s pages. Her head, cocked with an air of playful inquisitiveness, mouth hanging open, moments before she was sent to die, alone and scared. Barely clinging to the memory of the human touch she had dreamed of, in fitful snatches, as she rooted through greasy dustbins on Muscovite streets speckled with frost.

    How proud she looked, unsung canine hero that paved the way for us shambling apes to plant our flagpoles on lunar sand and tighten a girdle around the cosmos.

    What a sin for us to live with, that we watched as man’s best friend lay belly-up before our path to please us, then pressed our boots upon her furry stomach to step towards the heavens. Yet even then, she would have still trotted at our heels, tail vibrating, wet nose nudging at our thighs. Staring with round, black marbles, portals to love, unconditional and infinite, that we do not know how to understand, or how to give.

    No number of statues cast in bronze and emblazoned with trite slogans can do you justice. For all its shining pallor as it strikes the sun, metal does not have a heart as bright as the one (barely the size of a hand) that beat within your breast as solitary days with nothing but hunger for company gave way to a world of engineers, doctors and cosmonauts fussing over your every move. Showering you with precious names, so unlike the curses and kicks a street-dog would learn. Mutt and beast became Kudryavka, meaning ‘little curly,’ for your snail-shell tail, Zhuchka: ‘little bug’, squashed by human indifference. So many new friends! A world of play and touch as alien to you as the distant suns where you would pass your final moments. As rough and calloused hands stroked your fur, I wonder if you felt safe for once. If you stored beneath your fragile, shaggy chest, a kernel of affection to keep you warm.

    A scientist took you to his home, to be with his children, as the clock shaved away the minutes before your life was snuffed out. Scampering to and fro, barking with excitement to the squeals and giggles of little ones that showered you with kisses, rolling on the floor and squirming, legs kicking in satisfaction as stubby fingers scratched away your itches. Curling up, nose pressed against the scent of a family and a home, rocked to sleep by the slow rise and fall of a human’s lap as he breathed.

    A brief memory of what should have been, before the terror of tight, sharp metal confines and the bellowing of rocket fuel. The engines, screeching whirlwind of pure fear, overpowering every animal instinct with their heaving, juddering, rattling steel. Belching out their bitter kerosene, hurtling you away from the figures you had worshipped with the tenderness of paw-prints scratching at a trouser-leg, into the lifeless waste.

    I can see your breath fogging the grimy windows of your shuttle, as you saw what no other being before you ever had. Could you have possibly understood that the sapphire marble, speckled with shards of green, was not a tennis ball lying out of reach for you to gnaw at?

    I set the scene: by the light of the sun, within a silver capsule floating before the threshold of eternity, a four-legged friend watches. In her inkwell eyes she holds galaxies. She waits for when she will be let out of this tight, wintry box. Fitfully, her tail drums a beat against the iron walls, impatient for when she will return to hugs and praise and food. She sounds off one or two barks, calling out names known only to her. The answer is a mindless hum from the shuttle. Her pleas fade into echoes, choked in the satin sheets of space.

    With a low, whine of confusion, she slumps on the floor, a tired sigh puffing from her coal-black button nose.

    For the first time in aeons, the crackling quasars and solar winds are underscored by soft yelps and twitches as she chases sticks in her sleep. The dance of meteorites and stardust stops for a second, interrupted by the lapping of a pink tongue washing fur. The street-mutt does not know it. Could not know it.

    She is the loneliest creature in the Universe.

    In a better world, she would not have perished. I smile to myself as I daydream of the surface of the moon, a wreck bearing the faded letters CCCP nestled in a lunar crater. There, a little figure in a clunky spacesuit, glass dome on her head already misted over as she pants, sprints and jumps. She strides, mammoth leaps free from the confines of gravity, tongue flapping as she runs after the rabbit of Chang’e. The rings of Saturn are marked with pawprints as she chases her tail in an endless circle, and she sniffs the dusty trails of comets that remind her of the snow back home.

    Call it childish fantasies, mock their lack of substance. Better to dream of this, than think on the last moments of the world’s finest canine cosmonaut as she struggled to breathe. Her vision blackening as precious air ran out, the shuttle collapsing, shrieking like a fallen angel, plummeting back to Earth. Turning cherry-red then blinding white in the hellish furnace of re-entry, five measly kilograms of life scorched to ash, scattered to dot the rapids of the Milky Way. The wreck of the shuttle dissolving into a dart of light, until it is but another flaming trace in the sky to make a wish upon.

    When I hear the howls of your compatriots as they turn their snouts to the sky, I think they sing a song for you, Laika. A yowling cry in honour of the stray that sailed the winds of space. Their eulogy will keep you company, the way we never could.

    I step away from my desk as I write this, and leave my computer screen to pulsate, beckoning back to finish this tale. A pinned-up picture of my West Highland Terrier catches my eye, her face straining to break out of the photograph and onto my chest in a wet, snuffling heap. She would lick away my tears, salty treats brushed away by a sandpaper tongue. Laika, no-one was there to wipe away yours.

    It is 10:30 in the evening and night has snuck up on me outside the streets of Edinburgh. I look outside my window, ignoring the neon logo of a convenience store and the orange fuzz of streetlamps. Above Arthur’s Seat, a golden streak arcs across the heavens.

    In my mind’s eye, a shooting star becomes a dog, running into the waiting arms of her master.

    The End

    -First draft originally published at Student Journalism | The Broad Online | Edinburgh